Suspicious White Powder
Jan. 12th, 2011 10:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwrnmnbsolBILL: Hello, I’m Bill Blauers. You may know me from that thing, or the other thing, with the guy, in the place. Mostly you know me as that Australian fellow, don’t you? Hello, Audience!
AUDIENCE: HI, BILL!
BILL: Ha ha, you’re all so lovely. Tonight we’re going to have a SUPER SPECIAL TIME with our special guest, but first I want to ask you a question. Have you ever felt, well, neglected? Ignored? Yes? Yes?
F/X: GENERAL NOISES OF ASSENT
BILL: Yes! We’ve all felt like we just haven’t gotten our fair share of attention from the universe from time to time, haven’t we? It’s just dreadful, but I’ve some SUPER TERRIFIC news for you, because tonight we’re going to change all that! Yes! I know, it’s wonderful!
F/X: EXCITEMENT
BILL: Oh my goodness, I can’t wait another minute. No, I just can’t hold out any longer, ha ha! I simply must introduce you to tonight’s very special guest, Doctor Stephen Fatlip, the remarkable inventor of SUSPICIOUS WHITE POWDER. Come on out, Doctor!
F/X: APPLAUSE
DOCTOR: Holy cow!
BILL: I know, right? They’re all so utterly super!
DOCTOR: It’s like looking out onto a briny sea of awesome!
BILL: Doctor, are you a weapons biologist?
DOCTOR: I prefer the term “Counter-antitoxician”.
BILL: But aren’t you also a trained and award-winning virologist?
DOCTOR: I don’t like to brag, but I’ve won several ‘Sickies’.
BILL: I must say, that’s a very impressive white coat you’re wearing.
DOCTOR: Well, you know Bill, the coat doesn’t make the scientist – but I do make it look good!
F/X: LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
BILL: Doctor, everywhere I go people are ALL ABUZZ about Suspicious White Powder. Tell us: what’s the trick?
DOCTOR: Ha ha, there’s no trick, Bill. Suspicious White Powder isn’t some gimmick, gadget, trick or fad. Suspicious White Powder is simply YOU putting science and psychology to work for yourself!
BILL: It all sounds fabulous, Doctor, but I think I still see some confused faces out in the audience. Do I?...is that a hand up? Yes, Love?
MARCY: Yes, I was curious: just what is Suspicious White Powder and how does it work?
BILL: Lovely questions all. Say, dear, why don’t you come up on the stage with us? Don’t be shy!
F/X: APPLAUSE
DOCTOR: Atta girl!
BILL: Hello Hello! And what’s your name?
MARCY: My name’s Marcy Gelatino from Pennsylvania, and I am Not An Actress.
DOCTOR: Marcy, I just love your questions, and the answers are SO EASY. Suspicious White Powder is exactly what it says it is – no stunts, substitutes, switches or swaps – and it works by the amazing power of fear.
MARCY: Doctor, is Suspicious White Powder toxic?
BILL: No.
DOCTOR: Yes.
BILL & DOCTOR: Maybe, ha ha!
DOCTOR: The important thing is, it doesn’t really matter, Marcy. What matters is that you will be LOVED.
BILL: Shall we have a bit of a demonstration?
F/X: APPLAUSE
DOCTOR: Why not!
BILL: Okay, then; Marcy, what you’re going to do is stand over here….
DOCTOR: Don’t be afraid! This is so easy!
BILL: That’s really the AMAZING thing about Suspicious White Powder, audience; you don’t have to do anything for it to work its magic!
DOCTOR: So true, Bill. Now, here’s what’s going to happen: I’m going to scoop a small quantity of Suspicious White Powder out of this canister, and I’m going to pour it gently into this envelope.
MARCY: Why are you wearing gloves?
DOCTOR: We’re very strong believers in safety, Marcy.
BILL: Do you need to tape up the corners of the envelope, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Not at all, Bill. Suspicious White Powder is guaranteed to leak in transit.
BILL: Righto, so now Suspicious White Powder is in the envelope. What happens next?
DOCTOR: Now I’m going to address this envelope and cover it with childlike scrawls.
BILL: Will any of them be misleading to the police, Doctor?
MARCY: Oo! Can you pretend to be an extremist?
DOCTOR: Now, now! Suspicious White Powder doesn’t need to be oversold, kiddos! We just send it out and let it work its magic!
BILL: I have here my postal serviceman’s cap, so I’ll pretend to be the letter carrier, shall I?
DOCTOR: Of course you will! Well, I’ve dropped the letter in this ‘mailbox’, ‘letter carrier’ Bill!
BILL: WHOOP-de-DOO! I’m a MAILMAN I am!
DOCTOR: Ha ha! Nicely collected, Mailman Bill!
F/X: LAUGHTER
BILL: Right, so now I simply bring the letter to Marcy!
MARCY: I can see the Suspicious White Powder trailing out the bottom of your delivery bag!
DOCTOR: Good eye, Marcy! We GUARANTEE that Suspicious White Powder will draw the attention of local, state and federal authorities, as well as all forms of media!
BILL: Oh cripes, and here they come now!
F/X: SIRENS, HUBBUB
MARCY: Wow! I can just picture the TV trucks parked on my front yard!
DOCTOR: Not to mention the Centers from Disease Control vans, with their plastic isolation bubbles and their encounter suits!
BILL: You’re a STAR now, Marcy!
RESPIRATOR MAN: You’re going to have to come with us, ma’am.
MARCY: WOOOO! I don’t want to be put inside that…mmphg!
DOCTOR: Isn’t that fabulous?
BILL: A big round of applause as they haul her away, people!
F/X: APPLAUSE
BILL: Wow, Doctor, wow! I couldn’t believe how effectively Suspicious White Powder captivated the national attention!
DOCTOR: I’m going to tell you the real secret behind Suspicious White Powder, Bill. Shall I tell all of you?
F/X: APPLAUSE, SHOUTS
DOCTOR: I’ll tell you. Suspicious White Powder works because, deep down, we want to be scared.
BILL: It’s like the funhouse when we were kids!
DOCTOR: Just like that. On some basic level, we want to believe that terrifying doom is just around the corner.
BILL: But is it, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Just look at this Suspicious White Powder, Bill! How can it not be?
BILL: Ha ha, I’m sold! How can I get in on the cosmic joke myself?
DOCTOR: Easy, Bill! Just listen to this!
**
CALL THIS TOLL FREE NUMBER AND SAY
!YES! RUSH ME SUSPICIOUS WHITE POWDER TO MY PRIVATE RESIDENCE OR BUSINESS
FOR ONLY $19.99 PLUS STATE AND LOCAL TAX AND SHIPPING. SUSPICIOUS WHITE
POWDER IS NOT GUARANTEED TO BE TOXIC AND MAY BE INERT IN COLDER CLIMES
SUCH AS ALASKA.
ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE BONUS DELIRIANT GUM AND RICIN CRACKERS, A TOTAL
VALUE OF $147. BUT WAIT, SUPPOSE WE ADD A SHIPMENT OF SUSPICIOUS WHITE
POWDER TO A FRIEND OR RELATION – NOW HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY? IT’S
STILL JUST $19.99! ORDER NOW!
AUDIENCE: HI, BILL!
BILL: Ha ha, you’re all so lovely. Tonight we’re going to have a SUPER SPECIAL TIME with our special guest, but first I want to ask you a question. Have you ever felt, well, neglected? Ignored? Yes? Yes?
F/X: GENERAL NOISES OF ASSENT
BILL: Yes! We’ve all felt like we just haven’t gotten our fair share of attention from the universe from time to time, haven’t we? It’s just dreadful, but I’ve some SUPER TERRIFIC news for you, because tonight we’re going to change all that! Yes! I know, it’s wonderful!
F/X: EXCITEMENT
BILL: Oh my goodness, I can’t wait another minute. No, I just can’t hold out any longer, ha ha! I simply must introduce you to tonight’s very special guest, Doctor Stephen Fatlip, the remarkable inventor of SUSPICIOUS WHITE POWDER. Come on out, Doctor!
F/X: APPLAUSE
DOCTOR: Holy cow!
BILL: I know, right? They’re all so utterly super!
DOCTOR: It’s like looking out onto a briny sea of awesome!
BILL: Doctor, are you a weapons biologist?
DOCTOR: I prefer the term “Counter-antitoxician”.
BILL: But aren’t you also a trained and award-winning virologist?
DOCTOR: I don’t like to brag, but I’ve won several ‘Sickies’.
BILL: I must say, that’s a very impressive white coat you’re wearing.
DOCTOR: Well, you know Bill, the coat doesn’t make the scientist – but I do make it look good!
F/X: LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
BILL: Doctor, everywhere I go people are ALL ABUZZ about Suspicious White Powder. Tell us: what’s the trick?
DOCTOR: Ha ha, there’s no trick, Bill. Suspicious White Powder isn’t some gimmick, gadget, trick or fad. Suspicious White Powder is simply YOU putting science and psychology to work for yourself!
BILL: It all sounds fabulous, Doctor, but I think I still see some confused faces out in the audience. Do I?...is that a hand up? Yes, Love?
MARCY: Yes, I was curious: just what is Suspicious White Powder and how does it work?
BILL: Lovely questions all. Say, dear, why don’t you come up on the stage with us? Don’t be shy!
F/X: APPLAUSE
DOCTOR: Atta girl!
BILL: Hello Hello! And what’s your name?
MARCY: My name’s Marcy Gelatino from Pennsylvania, and I am Not An Actress.
DOCTOR: Marcy, I just love your questions, and the answers are SO EASY. Suspicious White Powder is exactly what it says it is – no stunts, substitutes, switches or swaps – and it works by the amazing power of fear.
MARCY: Doctor, is Suspicious White Powder toxic?
BILL: No.
DOCTOR: Yes.
BILL & DOCTOR: Maybe, ha ha!
DOCTOR: The important thing is, it doesn’t really matter, Marcy. What matters is that you will be LOVED.
BILL: Shall we have a bit of a demonstration?
F/X: APPLAUSE
DOCTOR: Why not!
BILL: Okay, then; Marcy, what you’re going to do is stand over here….
DOCTOR: Don’t be afraid! This is so easy!
BILL: That’s really the AMAZING thing about Suspicious White Powder, audience; you don’t have to do anything for it to work its magic!
DOCTOR: So true, Bill. Now, here’s what’s going to happen: I’m going to scoop a small quantity of Suspicious White Powder out of this canister, and I’m going to pour it gently into this envelope.
MARCY: Why are you wearing gloves?
DOCTOR: We’re very strong believers in safety, Marcy.
BILL: Do you need to tape up the corners of the envelope, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Not at all, Bill. Suspicious White Powder is guaranteed to leak in transit.
BILL: Righto, so now Suspicious White Powder is in the envelope. What happens next?
DOCTOR: Now I’m going to address this envelope and cover it with childlike scrawls.
BILL: Will any of them be misleading to the police, Doctor?
MARCY: Oo! Can you pretend to be an extremist?
DOCTOR: Now, now! Suspicious White Powder doesn’t need to be oversold, kiddos! We just send it out and let it work its magic!
BILL: I have here my postal serviceman’s cap, so I’ll pretend to be the letter carrier, shall I?
DOCTOR: Of course you will! Well, I’ve dropped the letter in this ‘mailbox’, ‘letter carrier’ Bill!
BILL: WHOOP-de-DOO! I’m a MAILMAN I am!
DOCTOR: Ha ha! Nicely collected, Mailman Bill!
F/X: LAUGHTER
BILL: Right, so now I simply bring the letter to Marcy!
MARCY: I can see the Suspicious White Powder trailing out the bottom of your delivery bag!
DOCTOR: Good eye, Marcy! We GUARANTEE that Suspicious White Powder will draw the attention of local, state and federal authorities, as well as all forms of media!
BILL: Oh cripes, and here they come now!
F/X: SIRENS, HUBBUB
MARCY: Wow! I can just picture the TV trucks parked on my front yard!
DOCTOR: Not to mention the Centers from Disease Control vans, with their plastic isolation bubbles and their encounter suits!
BILL: You’re a STAR now, Marcy!
RESPIRATOR MAN: You’re going to have to come with us, ma’am.
MARCY: WOOOO! I don’t want to be put inside that…mmphg!
DOCTOR: Isn’t that fabulous?
BILL: A big round of applause as they haul her away, people!
F/X: APPLAUSE
BILL: Wow, Doctor, wow! I couldn’t believe how effectively Suspicious White Powder captivated the national attention!
DOCTOR: I’m going to tell you the real secret behind Suspicious White Powder, Bill. Shall I tell all of you?
F/X: APPLAUSE, SHOUTS
DOCTOR: I’ll tell you. Suspicious White Powder works because, deep down, we want to be scared.
BILL: It’s like the funhouse when we were kids!
DOCTOR: Just like that. On some basic level, we want to believe that terrifying doom is just around the corner.
BILL: But is it, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Just look at this Suspicious White Powder, Bill! How can it not be?
BILL: Ha ha, I’m sold! How can I get in on the cosmic joke myself?
DOCTOR: Easy, Bill! Just listen to this!
**
CALL THIS TOLL FREE NUMBER AND SAY
!YES! RUSH ME SUSPICIOUS WHITE POWDER TO MY PRIVATE RESIDENCE OR BUSINESS
FOR ONLY $19.99 PLUS STATE AND LOCAL TAX AND SHIPPING. SUSPICIOUS WHITE
POWDER IS NOT GUARANTEED TO BE TOXIC AND MAY BE INERT IN COLDER CLIMES
SUCH AS ALASKA.
ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE BONUS DELIRIANT GUM AND RICIN CRACKERS, A TOTAL
VALUE OF $147. BUT WAIT, SUPPOSE WE ADD A SHIPMENT OF SUSPICIOUS WHITE
POWDER TO A FRIEND OR RELATION – NOW HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY? IT’S
STILL JUST $19.99! ORDER NOW!
