Dialogues: At the Checkout Stand

[hwrnmnbsol]

I don't want people thinking that I go around all the time fucking with people. I don't do that. I'm almost always unfailingly polite and mellow, sometimes to a fault. However, there are times when I just can't help myself.


"Hi."

"Good evening, sir. Thank you for shopping Randalls."

"Uh huh."

"We hope you had a pleasant shopping experience."

"You say the same thing every time."

"I'm sorry?"

"Every time you check my groceries, you say the exact same things."

"Ah, well....we're supposed to."

"Manager gets on your case if you don't?"

"It's store policy."

"You have a store policy for what you say to people?"

"Yes, we do."

"You have -- what -- a kind of checkout stand litany you learn?"

"It's in the binder they give us when we start."

"A binder! A full binder? Is it big?"

"It's not too big."

"Jesus. Everything you say has been prewritten for you?"

"I guess."

"Shit. Well, don't let me get you in trouble."

"Okay, uh, would you prefer paper or plastic, sir?"

"Let's see....How's this: Today I shall select the plastic bags."

"Very good, sir. Would you like your groceries double-bagged?"

"Yes, grocery person, I would appreciate two fine layers of plastic bags, with my groceries placed therein."

"The total is fifty two dollars and nine cents."

"This I can see from your informative digital display. I confirm your tally; you may proceed with PAYMENT RITUAL."

"How will you be paying today, sir?"

"Today I shall be using this small rectangle of plastic."

"Is that credit or debit?"

"This is a credit card. Here, also, are two forms of identification and a library card, and this is a photo of my wife whose maiden name I CAN confirm upon request."

"Thank you, sir. Please swipe the card."

"I am now swiping the card. I have now swiped the card. The card is swiped and shall be returned to my billfold."

"Here is your copy of the receipt...."

"I shall treasure it always."

"....here is a pen, with which you shall sign our copy of the receipt...."

"It is indeed a fine pen for signing."

"....here is our copy of the receipt."

"I note that you have cunningly marked an 'x' near where I am required to sign."

"Yes, sir."

"That was very wise. I shall now sign the receipt adjacent to the 'x' that you have marked."

"Thank you, sir. Will you need any assistance with your groceries?"

"Your kind request is duly noted. I personally shall supervise the handling of these vital and fragile groceries."

"We thank you again for shopping at Randalls."

"And I thank you for your cool efficiency and touselled good looks."

"Have a nice evening."

"May Wotan guide your hand."