[personal profile] hwrnmnbsol
Lieutanant Holter ducked under the police tape surrounding the crime scene. It was a dry cleaning establishment, and according to Holter's records it had been closed for four hours before the shooting. Holter's CSI group was already there, sweeping the area for clues. Holter noticed a clear bullet hole through the storefront glass and arched one eyebrow.

A uniformed officer met him on the front sidewalk. "I think we've got the perp, sir," he said. Holter held up an arresting hand.

"We'll let the facts be the judge of that, officer," Holter said curtly. "The facts, and the best science Tennessee can bring to bear on the problem."

"Yes, sir," said the officer doggedly, "but the facts are pretty damning. Our perp was seen by three witnesses entering the premises and shooting the victim. He's confessed to the crime. There was also video surveillance that has a very clear view of the shooting. The perp was in a fight with the victim yesterday, and we already have witnesses saying he threatened to 'finish the job'."

Holter frowned. "Don't say that word," he said.

The policeman blinked. "What word?"

"'Damning'," said Holter. "It's not Christian. Where's the alleged shooter?"

He was in handcuffs in the back of a cruiser. Holter opened the door and looked at the perp, head cocked. The man looked back sullenly. Holter frowned. He slipped nitrile gloves onto his hands, then removed from his belt a measuring tape and a large set of calipers.

"You go to church?" he asked the man, carefully measuring the circumference of his skull.

"Yeah," said the man. "Baptist."

Holter nodded approvingly. "Ever had any relations with sinners? Persons of loose moral character?" he asked, stretching the calipers over the perp's skull to measure the distance between his temples.

"Naw," said the man. "I like to keep it clean. Except for killing folks who deserve it."

Holter shrugged. He put his tools back in his belt and felt the bumps and nodes on the man's skull with his gloved hands. "Have you ever," he asked seriously, "received any markings or tattoos upon abduction by individuals not native to this planet?"

"Hey, now," said the uniformed officer. "What's all this about?"

"What's this about?" asked Holter, straightening up and looking the cop in the eye. "This is about science. Phrenology, specifically, and physiognomy. Per Browne et all, the configuration of the eyes indicates strong character, and according to Gall's diagrams, his Destructiveness node is far too small to support criminal behavior." Holter removed his gloves emphatically.

"Science says this man is innocent," he proclaimed. "Cut him loose."


"Holter, are you sure?" the police chief asked over the phone. "The details of the evidence…"

"My team is gathering its own evidence, chief," said Holter confidently. "It's scientific evidence, and it doesn't lie."

The chief sounded hesitant. "Holter, I've gotten more than one call about your work from scientists at reputable institutions. They say your work's scientific basis is somewhat dubious…"

"Sir," said Holter tiredly, "I get results. I help make arrests, and those arrests stick. How do I do it? By bringing science to the table – science that was developed by the great minds of history. If it was good enough for Aristotle, then by golly it's good enough for me." He switched the phone to his other ear so he could write something down on a piece of paper.

"Don't tie my hands on this one, chief," Holter pleaded. "This one looks simple – too simple. I can prove it, if you'll let me expose this case to the full power of non-mainstream science."

"All right, Holter," said the chief, surrendering. "You've got forty-eight hours. If you can't solve the case in that time, I'm going to the DA with what I've got."

"I won't let you down, chief," promised Holter. "I'd hate to see an innocent man placed in the Iron Maiden."

"We don't do that anymore, Holter," said the chief.

"Oh," said Holter, and hung up.

Dexter and Hosiah were at his elbow. Dexter was Holter's best field man, and an expert in using the hidden powers of the mind to unearth clues. Hosiah was the team alchemist, following in the footsteps of Isaac Newton and Roger Bacon to bring the secrets of transmutation and natural sympathy to work to the benefit of mankind. They were both members in good standing of the Baptist Church, and Holter trusted them with his life.

Holter handed the scrap of paper to Dexter. "Natural writing," he said. "It just came to me as I was talking to the chief. What does it say?"

Dexter straightened out the paper. "Wednesday Thursday Pez Pirate Yodel Ding-dong Mercury," he read. "There are two weekday names in here, chief. I'll go over the victim's calendar with a dowsing rod."

"Good," said Holter. He turned to Hosiah. "Anything out of the ordinary here? Strong magnetic fields? Evidence of moxibustion?"

"No, chief," said Hosiah sadly, "but we do have one clue. When the victim died, his bladder let go." She held up a vial of yellow liquid.

"Urine!" crowed Holter, snatching the tube out of Hosiah's hand. He knew that fresh urine could be investigative gold, spelling the difference between a successful investigation and a cold dead end. "Get this back to the homeopathy lab and potentize it by dilution."

Hosiah nodded. "Dilute to 60X?" she asked.

"No, go all the way to 400X," said Holter. "There's something sinister at work on this case, and we're going to need the highest levels of dilution to sort this out."

"All right," Hosiah agreed. "You'd better go see Slavicek, too. He may have pulled a few more clues off the body."

Holter entered the dry cleaning establishment. He could hear the sound of his combative pathologist and chiropractor arguing. Holter followed the sounds and came across Slavicek in the back of the establishment. The body was lying on a gurney, and Slavicek was shouting at members of the City Medical Examiner's office.

"Who cares about autopsy procedure?" he screamed. "He's dead of gunshot wound! I think we can all agree to that! My test is more important!" Slavicek caught sight of Holter. "Tell them, Lieutenant!"

"Lieutenant," said the lead medical examiner, "forensics on a body is a very time-sensitive matter. The smallest evidence can be contaminated…"

Holter held up his hands. "I'll take full responsibility," he soothed. "CSI has this crime scene now, and we're going to do it our way."

The ME team backed away, and Holter nodded at Slavicek. "Do it," he ordered.

Slavicek tilted the gurney, tipping the body into a large tank of water. Bubbles came out of its mouth, nose and the multiple gunshot wounds in its chest. The body dropped to the bottom of the tank, then slowly bobbed to the surface and drifted there.

"Well, Lieutenant," said Slavicek, "that's conclusive evidence. The victim… was a witch."

[CUE MUSIC: _The_Who_, "Eminence Front"]

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