Shock and Arwen
Sep. 18th, 2011 01:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwrnmnbsolGood evening. I'm Artagal the Green, and you're watching the Palantir News Network. For a breaking news story, we now go to North-western Rohan.
This is Daggerol of the Uruk-Hai, reporting live from Isengard. A thick column of black smoke is rising from the side of Orthanc, the great tower that has overlooked the plains of the Rohirrim since the time of the Men of Numenor. Columns of smoke are a common sight in Isengard these days, but what is unique about this one is that Saruman the Wise didn't create it. We have unsubstantiated eyewitness reports that some kind of enormous bird, perhaps a giant eagle, has flown into the side of the structure.
Daggerol, what can you tell us about casualties at this time?
Information is incomplete as of this moment, Artagal, but I can confirm that Saruman the Wise is alive and well. He is most assuredly angry, however, and has strangled four of the Uruk-Hai by his own hand, but we're all relieved to know that his splendid leadership shall not be interrupted, ha ha. As for other, lesser beings, considerable fire and wreckage has dropped from the tower and fallen onto the fire and wreckage that was already in the pits below the tower, and an unknown number of orcs, Uruk-Hai and other minions are dead or trapped.
What information do you have regarding possible suspects?
Artagal, it's much too early to know anything about who's responsible. Naturally suspicion immediately falls upon the Steward of Gondor, but until interrogations are performed…
Just a moment, Daggerol, we go now to Magroth of the Leprous Hand in the Morgul Vale.
A terrible scene is unfolding here at Minas Morgul, Artagal. An enormous eagle has flown into the side of the central tower, apparently deliberately sacrificing itself to wreak destruction. There is considerable chaos and confusion as the Witch-King seeks to control his forces and punish those responsible. As you can see, the damage and resultant loss of life is almost too much to contemplate. Oh the orcosity!
At this moment I am speechless. In my ten centuries of reporting on the Third Age, I cannot remember seeing such scenes of horror and tragedy, unless Sauron ordered them to come to pass. These are moments that bring an evil empire together in grief, mourning and, above all, vengeance. Just a moment; the Mouth of Sauron is about to speak.
THE ONE WE SEEK IS CALLED 'GANDALF'. A THOUSAND CURSES UPON THE MAIAR AND THEIR INTERFERENCE. SPILL THE BLOOD OF THOSE WHO DARE TO ATTACK THE TWO TOWERS.
Mouth of Sauron, what steps will Great Sauron take to punish this Gandalf and his allies?
THE HOSTS OF LORD SAURON ARE MIGHTY. HE HAS RAISED AN UNSTOPPABLE ARMY, AN ALLIANCE OF MANY OF THE REALMS OF MIDDLE EARTH. JOINED TOGETHER ARE THE HOSTS OF MORDOR, ISENGARD, THE MEN OF HARAD, MORIA, ER….
The Mountain-dwellers of Rhun?
YES, OF COURSE WE CANNOT FORGET RHUN. OUR ARMIES SHALL CRUSH GONDOR AND ENSLAVE THE REMAINING PUNY NATIONS, AND THE MASTER'S DOMINION SHALL BE COMPLETE.
We're getting some information on this 'Gandalf' now. Here's an image of this elderly, scruffily-bearded character, who long has been a thorn in Sauron's side. It seems that he roams across Middle Earth, associating with queer folk, and is guilty of the crimes of goblin-slaying, elf-succoring and encouraging adventures.
Sorry, Artagal, but this is Nnangor the Spider in Mirkwood, and we have word of a third attack on Dol Guldur. There can be no doubt that this is all part of a coordinated attack staged by this Gandalf and his shadowy organization, the so-called 'Councils of the Wise'.
Yes, Nnangor, and I'm also hearing about an abortive attack on Barad-Dur, which apparently was foiled when the eagle was distracted by a rabbit. Just a moment… we're going back now to Isengard. Daggerol, have there been any developments?
Artagal, I've been granted an interview with Saruman the White. Saruman, do you believe the attack on Orthanc was an attempt to assassinate you?
No, no. The Two Towers are a symbol of something larger. By striking a blow at them, the pitiful nations that still defy Sauron think they can figuratively attack our very way of life. But I am pleased to tell you that the towers yet stand, and our principles of treachery, deceit and cruelty will not be compromised.
Saruman, what can you tell us regarding this Gandalf character?
Well, he's very bad business. As you know, we've been searching for these hidden Rings of Power for quite some time, both the Three and the One, and we haven't had a great deal of luck finding them. I'm somehow certain Gandalf is responsible. There really can be only one answer to all of this, and that's to invade Eriador.
Eriador? Saruman, what connection could there be between that faraway land and today's attacks?
That's a highly impertinent question, but I'll deign to answer before you're executed. Gandalf is known to have personally visited Eriador a number of times, and certainly there's no great love between Sauron and those who live there. I consider this incontrovertible evidence that the Shire was involved in these attacks, and I recommend we march for the Brandywine immediately.
Thank you, Saruman, and now back to *HGKKKH*
Thank you, Daggerol, for your supreme sacrifice. Mouth of Sauron, what's the next step in countering this threat?
FIRST THINGS FIRST, WE'RE GOING TO WATERBOARD GOLLUM.
Naturally, but then what?
WELL, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE SEAL THE BORDERS, OF COURSE. AN ATTACK ON THE SOIL OF MORDOR IS SOMETHING THAT HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE ISILDUR'S TIME, BUT THERE'S NO REASON TO THINK IT COULDN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
With all due respect, sir, one does not simply walk into Mordor. Fly, yes.
LISTEN, AT THIS VERY MOMENT A SMALL, ELITE COMPANY OF HEROES COULD BE CROSSING THE EPHEL DUATH AND BRINGING RUIN TO THE VERY FOOT OF MOUNT ORODRUIN. IF WE WANT TO PRESERVE OUR WAY OF LIFE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.
What, do you mean increased scrutiny, an erosion of personal freedoms, and a series of excuses to brutally attack enemies of convenience?
NO, WE'VE TRIED ALL THAT AND IT'S NOT WORKING. I'M TALKING ABOUT RECOGNIZING THAT OUR ACTIONS IN THE WORLD HAVE AN EFFECT ON THE WAY PEOPLE REGARD US. I KNOW IT'S AN UNUSUAL IDEA, BUT WHAT IF WE TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHY THEY WANT TO ATTACK US, AND USE THAT TO DEVISE AN OVERALL STRATEGY FOR INTERACTING WITH OTHER NATIONS?
Interesting. So we might engage in diplomacy, say, or economic development?
PERHAPS.
But then, surely, inevitably we'll destroy them.
OF COURSE! BUT WE'LL UNDERSTAND THE PEOPLE WE'RE CRUSHING.
Thank you, Mouth of Sauron. We now go back to Minas Morgul for a memorial for the fallen. We shall leave you as the soft strains of "Where There's a Whip, There's a Way" echo through the gloomy halls, and return to our regular around-the-clock Jersey Shore marathon. Goodnight from the Palantir News Network, and remember: the Eye sees you!
This is Daggerol of the Uruk-Hai, reporting live from Isengard. A thick column of black smoke is rising from the side of Orthanc, the great tower that has overlooked the plains of the Rohirrim since the time of the Men of Numenor. Columns of smoke are a common sight in Isengard these days, but what is unique about this one is that Saruman the Wise didn't create it. We have unsubstantiated eyewitness reports that some kind of enormous bird, perhaps a giant eagle, has flown into the side of the structure.
Daggerol, what can you tell us about casualties at this time?
Information is incomplete as of this moment, Artagal, but I can confirm that Saruman the Wise is alive and well. He is most assuredly angry, however, and has strangled four of the Uruk-Hai by his own hand, but we're all relieved to know that his splendid leadership shall not be interrupted, ha ha. As for other, lesser beings, considerable fire and wreckage has dropped from the tower and fallen onto the fire and wreckage that was already in the pits below the tower, and an unknown number of orcs, Uruk-Hai and other minions are dead or trapped.
What information do you have regarding possible suspects?
Artagal, it's much too early to know anything about who's responsible. Naturally suspicion immediately falls upon the Steward of Gondor, but until interrogations are performed…
Just a moment, Daggerol, we go now to Magroth of the Leprous Hand in the Morgul Vale.
A terrible scene is unfolding here at Minas Morgul, Artagal. An enormous eagle has flown into the side of the central tower, apparently deliberately sacrificing itself to wreak destruction. There is considerable chaos and confusion as the Witch-King seeks to control his forces and punish those responsible. As you can see, the damage and resultant loss of life is almost too much to contemplate. Oh the orcosity!
At this moment I am speechless. In my ten centuries of reporting on the Third Age, I cannot remember seeing such scenes of horror and tragedy, unless Sauron ordered them to come to pass. These are moments that bring an evil empire together in grief, mourning and, above all, vengeance. Just a moment; the Mouth of Sauron is about to speak.
THE ONE WE SEEK IS CALLED 'GANDALF'. A THOUSAND CURSES UPON THE MAIAR AND THEIR INTERFERENCE. SPILL THE BLOOD OF THOSE WHO DARE TO ATTACK THE TWO TOWERS.
Mouth of Sauron, what steps will Great Sauron take to punish this Gandalf and his allies?
THE HOSTS OF LORD SAURON ARE MIGHTY. HE HAS RAISED AN UNSTOPPABLE ARMY, AN ALLIANCE OF MANY OF THE REALMS OF MIDDLE EARTH. JOINED TOGETHER ARE THE HOSTS OF MORDOR, ISENGARD, THE MEN OF HARAD, MORIA, ER….
The Mountain-dwellers of Rhun?
YES, OF COURSE WE CANNOT FORGET RHUN. OUR ARMIES SHALL CRUSH GONDOR AND ENSLAVE THE REMAINING PUNY NATIONS, AND THE MASTER'S DOMINION SHALL BE COMPLETE.
We're getting some information on this 'Gandalf' now. Here's an image of this elderly, scruffily-bearded character, who long has been a thorn in Sauron's side. It seems that he roams across Middle Earth, associating with queer folk, and is guilty of the crimes of goblin-slaying, elf-succoring and encouraging adventures.
Sorry, Artagal, but this is Nnangor the Spider in Mirkwood, and we have word of a third attack on Dol Guldur. There can be no doubt that this is all part of a coordinated attack staged by this Gandalf and his shadowy organization, the so-called 'Councils of the Wise'.
Yes, Nnangor, and I'm also hearing about an abortive attack on Barad-Dur, which apparently was foiled when the eagle was distracted by a rabbit. Just a moment… we're going back now to Isengard. Daggerol, have there been any developments?
Artagal, I've been granted an interview with Saruman the White. Saruman, do you believe the attack on Orthanc was an attempt to assassinate you?
No, no. The Two Towers are a symbol of something larger. By striking a blow at them, the pitiful nations that still defy Sauron think they can figuratively attack our very way of life. But I am pleased to tell you that the towers yet stand, and our principles of treachery, deceit and cruelty will not be compromised.
Saruman, what can you tell us regarding this Gandalf character?
Well, he's very bad business. As you know, we've been searching for these hidden Rings of Power for quite some time, both the Three and the One, and we haven't had a great deal of luck finding them. I'm somehow certain Gandalf is responsible. There really can be only one answer to all of this, and that's to invade Eriador.
Eriador? Saruman, what connection could there be between that faraway land and today's attacks?
That's a highly impertinent question, but I'll deign to answer before you're executed. Gandalf is known to have personally visited Eriador a number of times, and certainly there's no great love between Sauron and those who live there. I consider this incontrovertible evidence that the Shire was involved in these attacks, and I recommend we march for the Brandywine immediately.
Thank you, Saruman, and now back to *HGKKKH*
Thank you, Daggerol, for your supreme sacrifice. Mouth of Sauron, what's the next step in countering this threat?
FIRST THINGS FIRST, WE'RE GOING TO WATERBOARD GOLLUM.
Naturally, but then what?
WELL, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT WE SEAL THE BORDERS, OF COURSE. AN ATTACK ON THE SOIL OF MORDOR IS SOMETHING THAT HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE ISILDUR'S TIME, BUT THERE'S NO REASON TO THINK IT COULDN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
With all due respect, sir, one does not simply walk into Mordor. Fly, yes.
LISTEN, AT THIS VERY MOMENT A SMALL, ELITE COMPANY OF HEROES COULD BE CROSSING THE EPHEL DUATH AND BRINGING RUIN TO THE VERY FOOT OF MOUNT ORODRUIN. IF WE WANT TO PRESERVE OUR WAY OF LIFE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.
What, do you mean increased scrutiny, an erosion of personal freedoms, and a series of excuses to brutally attack enemies of convenience?
NO, WE'VE TRIED ALL THAT AND IT'S NOT WORKING. I'M TALKING ABOUT RECOGNIZING THAT OUR ACTIONS IN THE WORLD HAVE AN EFFECT ON THE WAY PEOPLE REGARD US. I KNOW IT'S AN UNUSUAL IDEA, BUT WHAT IF WE TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHY THEY WANT TO ATTACK US, AND USE THAT TO DEVISE AN OVERALL STRATEGY FOR INTERACTING WITH OTHER NATIONS?
Interesting. So we might engage in diplomacy, say, or economic development?
PERHAPS.
But then, surely, inevitably we'll destroy them.
OF COURSE! BUT WE'LL UNDERSTAND THE PEOPLE WE'RE CRUSHING.
Thank you, Mouth of Sauron. We now go back to Minas Morgul for a memorial for the fallen. We shall leave you as the soft strains of "Where There's a Whip, There's a Way" echo through the gloomy halls, and return to our regular around-the-clock Jersey Shore marathon. Goodnight from the Palantir News Network, and remember: the Eye sees you!
