May. 2nd, 2011

Huge news everybody, WE GOT DRACULA! Our boys tracked him to a coffin in the cellar of some fancy-ass castle, and then the lid goes SCRAAAAAPE and Dracula goes YEEEEEE HISSSS and the stake-launchers go BUDA BUDA BUDA BUDA and Dracula goes FOOSH in a giant pile of ash and yecch. And then our hunters got the hell out of Dodge because of all the other vampires running around, but shit: WE GOT DRACULA.

Naturally we're all pissed at Romania right now. They were all like DRACULA IS NOT IN TRANSYLVANIA and we were like UHHHH YES HE IS WE ARE PRETTY SURE and they were like THANK YOU COME AGAIN. So then we actually go in and kill his bloodsucking ass and now they are like WAT and we are like FACE!

Do you realize what this means? We never need to worry again about Dracula coming into our houses and personally biting our virginal daughters and just generally being gross. Yeah, sure, he's made lots of other vampires through the years and they're all still out there. But guess what: they're all watching the news right now, and they're seeing Dracula's castle engulfed in flames, and they're all saying to themselves: shit. If we aren't careful, America is going to spend literally TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS looking for us and not finding us, but maybe a decade later after we've sucked a lot of people dry they might catch up to us, and then we'll die only after accomplishing our principal goal of spreading mayhem and vampirism all over the world. So it's back to eating veggies for us.

It is time for DANCING in the STREETS. It is time for mindlessly chanting USA! USA! It is definitely time for making political hay of this situation, by either claiming 1) that our side is the awesomest and that we deserve all the credit for spending our country into the poorhouse for treeing a single solitary vampire, or 2) that the other fellow, that dark-complected gentleman occupying the White House, is a bad guy for bungling the entire affair and liking arugula and possibly still being Kenyan. It is also time to feel a little bit safer, where 'a little bit' means that that the number of vampires yesterday was N, and today it's N-1, where N is arbitrarily large.

This is NOT a time for feeling a bit iffy about celebrating the death of a vampire. These are evil blood-suckers we're talking about. There is a TIME and a PLACE for feeling moral ambiguity about violence, and that's while you are SMOKING DOPE on your FILTHY HIPPIE COMMUNE. Perhaps you did not hear, but WE GOT DRACULA, the vampiest vampire of them all. Never mind that there is ample evidence that we seem to have some responsibility for creating vampires in the first place. After all, we locked up a bunch of people who WEREN'T vampires in Guantanamo with a bunch of people who WERE vampires, and surprise surprise, when we released them after saying OH YOU'RE NOT VAMPIRES, OUR BAD, then they went home and started acting vampiric. But that in NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM changes the fact that we DRY-GULCHED DRACULA, popped a WOODEN CAP in his LEFT VENTRICLE, stuffed his BLOOD-SUCKING PIEHOLE full of NILLA WAFERS and bugged out with his ashes in two Hefty Three-Ply bags. Which we then dumped in the sea. After treating them with tremendous respect as far as vampiric burial traditions are concerned. I mean, we're not animals.

DRACULA, your DAYS ARE NUMBERED, and that number is ZERO. Now we can withdraw our troops from the Carpathian Mountains! No, kidding; there are still lots of vampires out there. Well then, can we at least withdraw from Paris, where there never were any vampires to begin with? No, not so much. Can I fly on a plane without having to pull my nail scissors out of my carryon and throw them in the trash? Not really? Well, I don't give a shit. WE GOT DRACULA, and that makes it all worthwhile.




September 2012

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