Last Launch
Jul. 8th, 2011 11:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwrnmnbsolWith Tom Uncle at Johnson Space Center and Lily Highlights at Cape Canaveral, I'm Sam Growl, and this is the Nightly Noose's Special Report on the final flight of the Space Shuttle program. Today _Atlantis_ successfully lifted off in Florida, making this the one hundred and thirty fifth space shuttle mission. When _Atlantis_ returns, it will mark the last time that a shuttle will see space. The fleet of space shuttles, now more than thirty years old, will be retired, marking the end of a dramatic chapter in manned space flight. Lily?
Sam, the important thing about this particular chapter is that, as far as anybody definitively knows, this could be the end of the entire book. NASA has no manned missions planned at the present time for any point in the future. Given the depth and severity of the current economic crisis, and the high cost of sending human beings into space, there is no reason to believe that expensive missions outside Earth's atmosphere will be scheduled any time soon. Many concerned observers of America's space program are wondering: is this the end of our nation's grand adventure beyond our planet? Over to you, Tom.
Thanks, Lily. Here at Johnson Space Center, the answer to your question is yes: America is done with space. Spokespersons for NASA are now saying that they have no plans to meddle further with anything extraterrestrial, and indeed are wondering if there's any point to continuing to recognize that space exists at all. When _Atlantis_ lands, America will officially wash its hands of anything going on in a generally upward direction. We now return to Sam Growl in Washington.
Earlier today President Obama addressed the nation upon the occasion of the successful _Atlantis_ liftoff:
Space. The final frontier. Thank God that's over with. Space was awesome back when we were all wearing Birdwells and listening to Devo. But now it's the 21st century. Space has been done to death. Orbited the Earth? Check. Visited the Moon? Check, and guess what: it's boring. Peed in a space diaper? Check, and also: gross. I think that about wraps it up.
So enough with this sentimental space business. As of today, us and space are through. We've had some thrills, a few laughs, but recently the bloom has really gone off the rose. Space, let's not call each other anymore. It's not you, it's us. Us not liking you. Like, at all.
But it's not like we're quitting. Why do we not go into space, and not have a football season, and not prosecute Caylee Anthony? We fail to do these things, not because they are not easy, but because they are not hard, and kind of dull, and we're just not feeling it. I promise you this: within the decade, we will still not be going even fifty feet off the Earth's surface, let alone putting a man on the Moon. Nobody's going to give a crap. And rightfully so.
Let's focus our attention on more worthwhile national pursuits. There's a hell of a fall lineup on CBS, for instance. There's this new show, Unforgettable, starring Poppy Montgomery as a police detective with a photographic memory and a mysterious trauma in her past. Tuesdays at 10, 9 Central and Mountain. Check it out, America. Peace out.
And so, today in the Rose Garden of the White House, our President has declared to the nation that the space race is over. Nobody won or lost; it was kind of a rain-out, and all of the competitors were juicing anyway, so there are no medals, and anyway it's time for hockey.
Lily, what's the situation at Cape Canaveral? What's the mood of the spectators there?
Sam, the principal sentiment I'm hearing is indifference. While the pyrotechnics of _Atlantis_ leaping skyward were indeed impressive, it's important to note that Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon is still in theaters, and no several-minute-long rocket launch can hope to compare to several hours of mindless cinema wherein Michael Bay personally blows every member of the United States military against a backdrop of giant robots.
Lily, are you saying that the people who spent many hours camping out to watch the last flight of the space shuttle have suddenly turned against space?
No, Sam, I'm saying they were really not all that excited about space when they came. Deep down, everybody present at Cape Canaveral was secretly hoping that _Atlantis_ would explode and come raining down on their heads. *That* would have been the kind of spectacle that would be worth sweating in the backseat of Toyota Tercel for six hours without air conditioning. But when the shuttle inexplicably achieved orbit without so much as a warning light coming on, it was like Houston, the buzz-kill has LANDED.
Tom, have you heard anything from officials of the National Aerospace Administration?
Actually, Sam, they're calling themselves the 'National Agriculture and Surfing Administration' now, in an attempt to retain relevance and preserve their funding for FY 2012.
I take it then, Tom, that NASA's leadership is attempting to distance themselves from space?
Sam, a spokesperson for the Manned Spaceflight Division went so far as to argue that now that space has fallen out of fashion, there's really no longer any reason to dogmatically adhere to the notion that the world is round. NASA is now apparently willing to 'teach the controversy' as espoused by members of the Flat Earth Society, and also repudiate the teachings of Goddard and von Braun as heresy.
Now just hold on a minute, Tom. Just because we're not personally journeying into space doesn't mean that we should turn a blind eye to it. A strong argument can be made that sending men into space is a waste of resources, and more productive science can be performed for much less money by planning automated missions.
That argument, Sam, is effectively saying that we should send robots into space – and the counter-argument says that THAT'S JUST WHAT THE ROBOTS WANT. If we can't have space for ourselves, there's certainly no reason to yield command of the gravity well to bloodthirsty automatons. No, Sam, NASA says that if we're not to boldly go where no man has gone before, then there's no reason some glorified toaster should make us look bad by getting there first. I think we can all look forward to transitioning out of an age of discovery and invention, and into an age of sitting on the couch, doing the usual old shit, and just generally stinking up the joint. And the robots can hang with us if they want, because they're hilarious and kind of clumsy, but they need to stay out of space, and it wouldn't kill them to help pay the light bill once in a while.
Thank you, Tom. When we return, members of the astronaut corps will reflect on the pointlessness of their achievements, and then we'll check in on the International Space Station yard sale. But first this message from Extenze!
Sam, the important thing about this particular chapter is that, as far as anybody definitively knows, this could be the end of the entire book. NASA has no manned missions planned at the present time for any point in the future. Given the depth and severity of the current economic crisis, and the high cost of sending human beings into space, there is no reason to believe that expensive missions outside Earth's atmosphere will be scheduled any time soon. Many concerned observers of America's space program are wondering: is this the end of our nation's grand adventure beyond our planet? Over to you, Tom.
Thanks, Lily. Here at Johnson Space Center, the answer to your question is yes: America is done with space. Spokespersons for NASA are now saying that they have no plans to meddle further with anything extraterrestrial, and indeed are wondering if there's any point to continuing to recognize that space exists at all. When _Atlantis_ lands, America will officially wash its hands of anything going on in a generally upward direction. We now return to Sam Growl in Washington.
Earlier today President Obama addressed the nation upon the occasion of the successful _Atlantis_ liftoff:
Space. The final frontier. Thank God that's over with. Space was awesome back when we were all wearing Birdwells and listening to Devo. But now it's the 21st century. Space has been done to death. Orbited the Earth? Check. Visited the Moon? Check, and guess what: it's boring. Peed in a space diaper? Check, and also: gross. I think that about wraps it up.
So enough with this sentimental space business. As of today, us and space are through. We've had some thrills, a few laughs, but recently the bloom has really gone off the rose. Space, let's not call each other anymore. It's not you, it's us. Us not liking you. Like, at all.
But it's not like we're quitting. Why do we not go into space, and not have a football season, and not prosecute Caylee Anthony? We fail to do these things, not because they are not easy, but because they are not hard, and kind of dull, and we're just not feeling it. I promise you this: within the decade, we will still not be going even fifty feet off the Earth's surface, let alone putting a man on the Moon. Nobody's going to give a crap. And rightfully so.
Let's focus our attention on more worthwhile national pursuits. There's a hell of a fall lineup on CBS, for instance. There's this new show, Unforgettable, starring Poppy Montgomery as a police detective with a photographic memory and a mysterious trauma in her past. Tuesdays at 10, 9 Central and Mountain. Check it out, America. Peace out.
And so, today in the Rose Garden of the White House, our President has declared to the nation that the space race is over. Nobody won or lost; it was kind of a rain-out, and all of the competitors were juicing anyway, so there are no medals, and anyway it's time for hockey.
Lily, what's the situation at Cape Canaveral? What's the mood of the spectators there?
Sam, the principal sentiment I'm hearing is indifference. While the pyrotechnics of _Atlantis_ leaping skyward were indeed impressive, it's important to note that Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon is still in theaters, and no several-minute-long rocket launch can hope to compare to several hours of mindless cinema wherein Michael Bay personally blows every member of the United States military against a backdrop of giant robots.
Lily, are you saying that the people who spent many hours camping out to watch the last flight of the space shuttle have suddenly turned against space?
No, Sam, I'm saying they were really not all that excited about space when they came. Deep down, everybody present at Cape Canaveral was secretly hoping that _Atlantis_ would explode and come raining down on their heads. *That* would have been the kind of spectacle that would be worth sweating in the backseat of Toyota Tercel for six hours without air conditioning. But when the shuttle inexplicably achieved orbit without so much as a warning light coming on, it was like Houston, the buzz-kill has LANDED.
Tom, have you heard anything from officials of the National Aerospace Administration?
Actually, Sam, they're calling themselves the 'National Agriculture and Surfing Administration' now, in an attempt to retain relevance and preserve their funding for FY 2012.
I take it then, Tom, that NASA's leadership is attempting to distance themselves from space?
Sam, a spokesperson for the Manned Spaceflight Division went so far as to argue that now that space has fallen out of fashion, there's really no longer any reason to dogmatically adhere to the notion that the world is round. NASA is now apparently willing to 'teach the controversy' as espoused by members of the Flat Earth Society, and also repudiate the teachings of Goddard and von Braun as heresy.
Now just hold on a minute, Tom. Just because we're not personally journeying into space doesn't mean that we should turn a blind eye to it. A strong argument can be made that sending men into space is a waste of resources, and more productive science can be performed for much less money by planning automated missions.
That argument, Sam, is effectively saying that we should send robots into space – and the counter-argument says that THAT'S JUST WHAT THE ROBOTS WANT. If we can't have space for ourselves, there's certainly no reason to yield command of the gravity well to bloodthirsty automatons. No, Sam, NASA says that if we're not to boldly go where no man has gone before, then there's no reason some glorified toaster should make us look bad by getting there first. I think we can all look forward to transitioning out of an age of discovery and invention, and into an age of sitting on the couch, doing the usual old shit, and just generally stinking up the joint. And the robots can hang with us if they want, because they're hilarious and kind of clumsy, but they need to stay out of space, and it wouldn't kill them to help pay the light bill once in a while.
Thank you, Tom. When we return, members of the astronaut corps will reflect on the pointlessness of their achievements, and then we'll check in on the International Space Station yard sale. But first this message from Extenze!
