hwrnmnbsol (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hwrnmnbsol) wrote2011-06-28 05:13 pm
hwrnmnbsol) wrote2011-06-28 05:13 pm
First World Survivors
Sorry, I had to take a break from the extended piece to write this.
The Mall. Heart of the culture of an industrialized, western-style nation. This is a place rich in resources and biodiversity, rewarding in its sights and challenges. But the Mall can be an unforgiving place as well. Those unwise enough to enter its air-conditioned halls and its glassed-in elevators without being prepared can expect only the harshest of welcomes. Every year millions of Americans choose to experience the Mall. Some… choose to never return.
Two brave, skilled and hardy souls enter this exotic environment, with only minimal resources to help them survive. They must use their wits and rely upon each other to escape the Mall and achieve their objectives, without experiencing discomfort or annoyance. They are:
Tom McWhite works at IT support for a major multinational company. He is a specialist at obsolete technologies that nobody uses anymore. Tom still has a Prodigy.net email account, and he knows what all the error codes mean on his office copy machine.
Dina Cankles is a personal shopper and writes a pop culture blog. She is a master of social networking and interpersonal interactions, and while she has never served in the military, she once dated a guy in the Coast Guard and that was kind of cool.
Together, Tom and Dina will challenge the Mall. Together they will triumph over adversity, or they will avoid levels of adversity that become too obnoxious. Together they are:
FIRST WORLD SURVIVORS!
We dropped off Tom and Dina in the Mall with no car, cash or credit cards. They must rely on their specialized skills to sustain themselves and find their way home. Tom and Dina are trained professionals; do not try this at home.
To simulate the experience of an ordinary couple being thrown into this dangerous and potentially uncomfortable situation, we have provided Tom and Dina with items that could be in the possession of persons genuinely stranded.
TOM: Let's see what we got here.
DINA: First of all, we have a backpack.
TOM: I'm going to come right out and say that I think this thing is totally unsuitable.
DINA: It's pale green and my top is winter green. This is a complete mismatch.
TOM: One time when I was in college, I had a backpack full of books that I wore everywhere, and the straps cut into my shoulders so bad that I got, like, these bruise type marks.
DINA: Did they hurt?
TOM: No, but still.
DINA: Let's see what's inside this thing.
TOM: Okay, I have here a map of the city.
DINA: You know, those things are more trouble than they're worth.
TOM: I know, no matter what, I can never fold them the right way and they wind up looking all junky.
DINA: Plus, you just know that if anybody sees you looking at a map, they're automatically going to think you're a complete tool.
TOM: I think we agree that we're tossing this thing. What else do we have in there?
DINA: I've got a plastic bottle full of water.
TOM: Why would we want to haul that thing around? It looks heavy.
DINA: The first rule of first world survival is: figure out the basics, and then throw them away.
TOM: That's right, there's always more where that came from.
DINA: Do you think we should recycle the bottle?
TOM: I guess. If it's not too much trouble.
DINA: Is there anything else in there?
TOM: Aha! I've got a cell phone!
DINA: What kind of weird mutant phone is that thing? It's got an antenna!
TOM: This is a StarTAC from about ten years ago. It has charge and is getting signal, but there's no wireless.
DINA: Let's keep that; maybe we can use it as a doorstop or something.
TOM: Oh, and look: there's an envelope in here too.
DINA: Open it, open it!
TOM: It's a note from the producers. It says here: Your challenge is to figure out how to acquire four place settings of flatware from the store of your choice and successfully bring it home. Additionally, while in the Mall you must discover the answer to this question: In Game 4 of the 2004 World Series, which Saint Louis Cardinal was at bat for the final out?
DINA: Okay, wait. We have nothing to pay with, but we have to buy stuff and get it home?
TOM: I know, and home is like three miles away.
DINA: I did NOT wear the right shoes for this.
TOM: And it's going to be hard learning sports stuff without a smart phone.
DINA: Well, this is a tough challenge for sure. They didn't even tell us what color of flatware.
The First World Survivors have a significant challenge ahead of them. The Mall is only open for another four hours and it's already well after lunchtime. If they do not shop soon, the after-work rush will only make matters more difficult. Fortunately, Tom and Dina have a plan.
DINA: The most important thing to do when stranded in an area of superabundant resources and no real threats is to STAY CALM.
TOM: That's right. A good plan of attack is to set up a base of operations. Once you and your partner have created a base camp to shelter in, you can use that as a place to rest, plan and rendezvous.
DINA: Tom and I are going to look for a table in the Food Court.
TOM: Oh, gross; all these tables are totally dirty.
DINA: This is a problem we can solve. I'm going to look for somebody who doesn't look American.
TOM: There's somebody pushing a trashcan over there.
DINA: Good work, Tom. I'm going to use a First World survival technique called 'Get the Minority to Do It'. Uh, escusa me, por favor?
CLEANING LADY: Yes?
DINA: Could you, uh, lava… los tables?
CLEANING LADY: Sure, just a second.
TOM: Wow, Dina, that was really well done.
DINA: The great thing about this technique is that somebody else does all the real work, allowing you to concentrate on surviving.
TOM: And now our base camp is totally wiped down. Gracias!
CLEANING LADY: Hey, don't mention it.
DINA: After getting our base camp ready, I'm pretty hungry.
TOM: Don't underestimate the importance of empty calories. Snacking between mealtimes can give you the strength you need to carry on in the face of inconvenience or even boredom.
DINA: Let's split up and see what kind of food we can forage.
Dina and Tom are masters of living off the land in urban settings. If you know how to work the system, a skilled survivor can shop in a mall until seven or even eight in the evening without stopping for dinner.
DINA: What did you find, Tom?
TOM: Well, there were giving out pretzel samples at Pretzel Hut, and I was like, could I have two? And the guy was all like, no, I can only give you one, and so then I said fine, give me the biggest one and I'll break it in half, and the guy was like Screw It! And he gave me two anyways.
DINA: Awesome! I went to Smoothie Blast and I told them I had lost my card that I had punched seven times to get my free small Tropical Berry Avalanche, and I asked the guy at the counter REALLY NICELY so he just gave it to me!
TOM: Good job. Let's eat and then let's make a plan.
Survivors know that in order to accomplish any objective, you need to have a plan. Making that plan means breaking your predicament down into a series of goals, prioritizing them, and then formulating a plan of attack to tackle your goals. Thinking is an integral part of a First World survival plan, in large measure because when you're thinking you're not actually doing, and doing is hard.
TOM: The way I see it, we have three things we need to do. We need to shop. We need to learn stuff. And we need to get home.
DINA: Right, and to get those three things, we need to HAVE two things: money, and information.
TOM: I've got an idea for how to tackle the first thing. Over there I see a Western Union store.
DINA: Is that like Old Navy?
TOM: It's different, Dina. They can do a money wire transfer. Basically, we can get our friends or family to send us some money.
DINA: Is it cash or credit?
TOM: Usually you get cash.
DINA: Ecch. Well, I guess it's better than nothing.
TOM: Exactly.
DINA: Well, I think I know how to get some information.
TOM: I've been struggling with that one, Dina. I haven't seen an internet café anywhere.
DINA: Not a problem. What we'll do is ask people.
TOM: I'm not sure I understand how that works. Do you mean just ask people who we don't even know?
DINA: I know it sounds crazy, Tom, and there are certainly risks. Sometimes strangers can be rude or offensive. Also, sometimes strangers don't know things. However, when you're in a survival situation, sometimes you need to make the only plan you can and hope for the best.
TOM: I'm still not 100% sure about this 'ask people' idea, which runs the risk of making eye contact, but we're partners in this and we'll work together no matter what.
DINA: We're a great team, Tom. Let's do it!
Tom and Dina put their plan into effect. Good survivors know that when you're trying to make it in the harsh environment of the First World, you have to have your teammate's back. There's nothing more likely than interpersonal conflict to spoil your day.
TOM: Hi there, I'd like to get a wire transfer.
CLERK: Okay, who are you sending the money to?
TOM: No, sorry, I don't want to send some money, I want to get some.
CLERK: Oh. Well, to do that, whoever's sending it will have to wire it through a Western Union branch near them.
DINA: Shoot, so we need to call somebody and get them to send the money to us!
TOM: Not a problem, Dina. Don't forget we have our dinosaur phone.
DINA: Right! Okay, who should we call?
TOM: My Mom is out of town.
DINA: Mine isn't! But – oh, darn! All my numbers are saved in my phone! I can't remember any of them!
TOM: Remember to stay calm, Dina. I think First World technology has an answer for this, too.
DINA: I sure hope so, Tom. I don't relish the idea of shoplifting flatware.
TOM: You see, telephone networks have a service called 'Information'. What you do is dial '411'.
DINA: Oh, just like in all the rap songs!
TOM: Exactly. Here, see if you can get hold of your Mom.
DINA: Okay, it's dialing. (covers phone) They want to know what city! Do they mean what city I'm in, or what city I'm calling?
TOM: What city you're calling.
DINA: Framingham, please.
TOM: Very good, Dina. 'Politeness' is a great First World technique for getting what you want.
DINA: Yes, I need the number of Mimi Cankles on Frye Road.
TOM: Information will even dial the number for you, which is important because memorizing things is hard when you're surviving.
DINA: (covering the phone) I got through! Yes, hi, Mom? Hi! I need for you to Wire Me Some Money.
TOM: Don't forget that surviving in the First World is much easier when you have family members with a large amount of money. Whenever possible, try to be related to wealth.
DINA: What do you mean you have tennis lessons? (covering the phone) She says now's not convenient!
TOM: This is not good, Dina. We need that money!
DINA: Let me try something. Ahem. Mom, please, I really need some money now! I'm really scared!!
TOM: Oh, masterfully done, Dina.
DINA: (covering the phone) Did you like that? I call it 'The Elizabeth Smart'.
TOM: One of the most powerful techniques in First World survival is guilt. Proper application of guilt is what makes the First World go around.
DINA: Oh, wonderful, Mom! You're the tops!
TOM: Beautifully done, Dina. We should have that money here in minutes.
DINA: While we're here: excuse me, sir?
CLERK: Yes, ma'am?
DINA: I was wondering if you could settle an argument my friend and I were having. Do you know which Saint Louis Cardinal was at bat for the final out of Game 4 of the 2004 World Series?
CLERK: Oh, wow. I'm not sure. Albert Pujols?
DINA: See Tom, asking people questions can get you answers!
TOM: That's great, Dina, but how do we know that's an accurate answer? This guy didn't sound very sure of himself.
DINA: That's true, Tom. That's why we use a refined technique called 'Ask a Lot of People'. Then you believe whatever the most people tell you.
TOM: Terrific idea. Let me try: Hey, sir? Sir? I see the Sox cap; are you a fan?
SOX FAN: Sure, never miss a game.
TOM: Hey, I was wondering, who was the last guy out in the 2004 World Series, game four?
SOX FAN: Oh, I remember that one; I was at that game! Finished the sweep when Edgar Renteria grounded out.
TOM: Are you sure?
SOX FAN: Sure I'm sure!
DINA: Let's try one more. Hey, kid!
KID: Yeah?
DINA: Pop quiz: 2004 World Series, last Cardinal out. Pujols or Renteria?
KID: Definitely Renteria. Pujols was on base.
DINA: There you have it, Tom.
KID: You people are loons.
TOM: Incredible work, Dina. We're getting our money and we're getting our information. We're almost home!
DINA: Oh no. Oh no!
TOM: What's the problem, Dina? Talk to me!
DINA: That pretzel I ate! All that salt has made me really, really thirsty!
TOM: Okay, as soon as we get our money, we'll get you a soda stat!
DINA: But I'm thirsty NOW!
This most recent setback threatens to dash Dina and Tom's efforts to return home with unnecessary goods and a minimum of stress. How will the Survivors conquer this latest roadblock? Set your DVR or download a bootleg in next week's exciting installment of:
FIRST WORLD SURVIVORS!
The Mall. Heart of the culture of an industrialized, western-style nation. This is a place rich in resources and biodiversity, rewarding in its sights and challenges. But the Mall can be an unforgiving place as well. Those unwise enough to enter its air-conditioned halls and its glassed-in elevators without being prepared can expect only the harshest of welcomes. Every year millions of Americans choose to experience the Mall. Some… choose to never return.
Two brave, skilled and hardy souls enter this exotic environment, with only minimal resources to help them survive. They must use their wits and rely upon each other to escape the Mall and achieve their objectives, without experiencing discomfort or annoyance. They are:
Tom McWhite works at IT support for a major multinational company. He is a specialist at obsolete technologies that nobody uses anymore. Tom still has a Prodigy.net email account, and he knows what all the error codes mean on his office copy machine.
Dina Cankles is a personal shopper and writes a pop culture blog. She is a master of social networking and interpersonal interactions, and while she has never served in the military, she once dated a guy in the Coast Guard and that was kind of cool.
Together, Tom and Dina will challenge the Mall. Together they will triumph over adversity, or they will avoid levels of adversity that become too obnoxious. Together they are:
FIRST WORLD SURVIVORS!
We dropped off Tom and Dina in the Mall with no car, cash or credit cards. They must rely on their specialized skills to sustain themselves and find their way home. Tom and Dina are trained professionals; do not try this at home.
To simulate the experience of an ordinary couple being thrown into this dangerous and potentially uncomfortable situation, we have provided Tom and Dina with items that could be in the possession of persons genuinely stranded.
TOM: Let's see what we got here.
DINA: First of all, we have a backpack.
TOM: I'm going to come right out and say that I think this thing is totally unsuitable.
DINA: It's pale green and my top is winter green. This is a complete mismatch.
TOM: One time when I was in college, I had a backpack full of books that I wore everywhere, and the straps cut into my shoulders so bad that I got, like, these bruise type marks.
DINA: Did they hurt?
TOM: No, but still.
DINA: Let's see what's inside this thing.
TOM: Okay, I have here a map of the city.
DINA: You know, those things are more trouble than they're worth.
TOM: I know, no matter what, I can never fold them the right way and they wind up looking all junky.
DINA: Plus, you just know that if anybody sees you looking at a map, they're automatically going to think you're a complete tool.
TOM: I think we agree that we're tossing this thing. What else do we have in there?
DINA: I've got a plastic bottle full of water.
TOM: Why would we want to haul that thing around? It looks heavy.
DINA: The first rule of first world survival is: figure out the basics, and then throw them away.
TOM: That's right, there's always more where that came from.
DINA: Do you think we should recycle the bottle?
TOM: I guess. If it's not too much trouble.
DINA: Is there anything else in there?
TOM: Aha! I've got a cell phone!
DINA: What kind of weird mutant phone is that thing? It's got an antenna!
TOM: This is a StarTAC from about ten years ago. It has charge and is getting signal, but there's no wireless.
DINA: Let's keep that; maybe we can use it as a doorstop or something.
TOM: Oh, and look: there's an envelope in here too.
DINA: Open it, open it!
TOM: It's a note from the producers. It says here: Your challenge is to figure out how to acquire four place settings of flatware from the store of your choice and successfully bring it home. Additionally, while in the Mall you must discover the answer to this question: In Game 4 of the 2004 World Series, which Saint Louis Cardinal was at bat for the final out?
DINA: Okay, wait. We have nothing to pay with, but we have to buy stuff and get it home?
TOM: I know, and home is like three miles away.
DINA: I did NOT wear the right shoes for this.
TOM: And it's going to be hard learning sports stuff without a smart phone.
DINA: Well, this is a tough challenge for sure. They didn't even tell us what color of flatware.
The First World Survivors have a significant challenge ahead of them. The Mall is only open for another four hours and it's already well after lunchtime. If they do not shop soon, the after-work rush will only make matters more difficult. Fortunately, Tom and Dina have a plan.
DINA: The most important thing to do when stranded in an area of superabundant resources and no real threats is to STAY CALM.
TOM: That's right. A good plan of attack is to set up a base of operations. Once you and your partner have created a base camp to shelter in, you can use that as a place to rest, plan and rendezvous.
DINA: Tom and I are going to look for a table in the Food Court.
TOM: Oh, gross; all these tables are totally dirty.
DINA: This is a problem we can solve. I'm going to look for somebody who doesn't look American.
TOM: There's somebody pushing a trashcan over there.
DINA: Good work, Tom. I'm going to use a First World survival technique called 'Get the Minority to Do It'. Uh, escusa me, por favor?
CLEANING LADY: Yes?
DINA: Could you, uh, lava… los tables?
CLEANING LADY: Sure, just a second.
TOM: Wow, Dina, that was really well done.
DINA: The great thing about this technique is that somebody else does all the real work, allowing you to concentrate on surviving.
TOM: And now our base camp is totally wiped down. Gracias!
CLEANING LADY: Hey, don't mention it.
DINA: After getting our base camp ready, I'm pretty hungry.
TOM: Don't underestimate the importance of empty calories. Snacking between mealtimes can give you the strength you need to carry on in the face of inconvenience or even boredom.
DINA: Let's split up and see what kind of food we can forage.
Dina and Tom are masters of living off the land in urban settings. If you know how to work the system, a skilled survivor can shop in a mall until seven or even eight in the evening without stopping for dinner.
DINA: What did you find, Tom?
TOM: Well, there were giving out pretzel samples at Pretzel Hut, and I was like, could I have two? And the guy was all like, no, I can only give you one, and so then I said fine, give me the biggest one and I'll break it in half, and the guy was like Screw It! And he gave me two anyways.
DINA: Awesome! I went to Smoothie Blast and I told them I had lost my card that I had punched seven times to get my free small Tropical Berry Avalanche, and I asked the guy at the counter REALLY NICELY so he just gave it to me!
TOM: Good job. Let's eat and then let's make a plan.
Survivors know that in order to accomplish any objective, you need to have a plan. Making that plan means breaking your predicament down into a series of goals, prioritizing them, and then formulating a plan of attack to tackle your goals. Thinking is an integral part of a First World survival plan, in large measure because when you're thinking you're not actually doing, and doing is hard.
TOM: The way I see it, we have three things we need to do. We need to shop. We need to learn stuff. And we need to get home.
DINA: Right, and to get those three things, we need to HAVE two things: money, and information.
TOM: I've got an idea for how to tackle the first thing. Over there I see a Western Union store.
DINA: Is that like Old Navy?
TOM: It's different, Dina. They can do a money wire transfer. Basically, we can get our friends or family to send us some money.
DINA: Is it cash or credit?
TOM: Usually you get cash.
DINA: Ecch. Well, I guess it's better than nothing.
TOM: Exactly.
DINA: Well, I think I know how to get some information.
TOM: I've been struggling with that one, Dina. I haven't seen an internet café anywhere.
DINA: Not a problem. What we'll do is ask people.
TOM: I'm not sure I understand how that works. Do you mean just ask people who we don't even know?
DINA: I know it sounds crazy, Tom, and there are certainly risks. Sometimes strangers can be rude or offensive. Also, sometimes strangers don't know things. However, when you're in a survival situation, sometimes you need to make the only plan you can and hope for the best.
TOM: I'm still not 100% sure about this 'ask people' idea, which runs the risk of making eye contact, but we're partners in this and we'll work together no matter what.
DINA: We're a great team, Tom. Let's do it!
Tom and Dina put their plan into effect. Good survivors know that when you're trying to make it in the harsh environment of the First World, you have to have your teammate's back. There's nothing more likely than interpersonal conflict to spoil your day.
TOM: Hi there, I'd like to get a wire transfer.
CLERK: Okay, who are you sending the money to?
TOM: No, sorry, I don't want to send some money, I want to get some.
CLERK: Oh. Well, to do that, whoever's sending it will have to wire it through a Western Union branch near them.
DINA: Shoot, so we need to call somebody and get them to send the money to us!
TOM: Not a problem, Dina. Don't forget we have our dinosaur phone.
DINA: Right! Okay, who should we call?
TOM: My Mom is out of town.
DINA: Mine isn't! But – oh, darn! All my numbers are saved in my phone! I can't remember any of them!
TOM: Remember to stay calm, Dina. I think First World technology has an answer for this, too.
DINA: I sure hope so, Tom. I don't relish the idea of shoplifting flatware.
TOM: You see, telephone networks have a service called 'Information'. What you do is dial '411'.
DINA: Oh, just like in all the rap songs!
TOM: Exactly. Here, see if you can get hold of your Mom.
DINA: Okay, it's dialing. (covers phone) They want to know what city! Do they mean what city I'm in, or what city I'm calling?
TOM: What city you're calling.
DINA: Framingham, please.
TOM: Very good, Dina. 'Politeness' is a great First World technique for getting what you want.
DINA: Yes, I need the number of Mimi Cankles on Frye Road.
TOM: Information will even dial the number for you, which is important because memorizing things is hard when you're surviving.
DINA: (covering the phone) I got through! Yes, hi, Mom? Hi! I need for you to Wire Me Some Money.
TOM: Don't forget that surviving in the First World is much easier when you have family members with a large amount of money. Whenever possible, try to be related to wealth.
DINA: What do you mean you have tennis lessons? (covering the phone) She says now's not convenient!
TOM: This is not good, Dina. We need that money!
DINA: Let me try something. Ahem. Mom, please, I really need some money now! I'm really scared!!
TOM: Oh, masterfully done, Dina.
DINA: (covering the phone) Did you like that? I call it 'The Elizabeth Smart'.
TOM: One of the most powerful techniques in First World survival is guilt. Proper application of guilt is what makes the First World go around.
DINA: Oh, wonderful, Mom! You're the tops!
TOM: Beautifully done, Dina. We should have that money here in minutes.
DINA: While we're here: excuse me, sir?
CLERK: Yes, ma'am?
DINA: I was wondering if you could settle an argument my friend and I were having. Do you know which Saint Louis Cardinal was at bat for the final out of Game 4 of the 2004 World Series?
CLERK: Oh, wow. I'm not sure. Albert Pujols?
DINA: See Tom, asking people questions can get you answers!
TOM: That's great, Dina, but how do we know that's an accurate answer? This guy didn't sound very sure of himself.
DINA: That's true, Tom. That's why we use a refined technique called 'Ask a Lot of People'. Then you believe whatever the most people tell you.
TOM: Terrific idea. Let me try: Hey, sir? Sir? I see the Sox cap; are you a fan?
SOX FAN: Sure, never miss a game.
TOM: Hey, I was wondering, who was the last guy out in the 2004 World Series, game four?
SOX FAN: Oh, I remember that one; I was at that game! Finished the sweep when Edgar Renteria grounded out.
TOM: Are you sure?
SOX FAN: Sure I'm sure!
DINA: Let's try one more. Hey, kid!
KID: Yeah?
DINA: Pop quiz: 2004 World Series, last Cardinal out. Pujols or Renteria?
KID: Definitely Renteria. Pujols was on base.
DINA: There you have it, Tom.
KID: You people are loons.
TOM: Incredible work, Dina. We're getting our money and we're getting our information. We're almost home!
DINA: Oh no. Oh no!
TOM: What's the problem, Dina? Talk to me!
DINA: That pretzel I ate! All that salt has made me really, really thirsty!
TOM: Okay, as soon as we get our money, we'll get you a soda stat!
DINA: But I'm thirsty NOW!
This most recent setback threatens to dash Dina and Tom's efforts to return home with unnecessary goods and a minimum of stress. How will the Survivors conquer this latest roadblock? Set your DVR or download a bootleg in next week's exciting installment of:
FIRST WORLD SURVIVORS!