Christmas on Other Planets
Sep. 13th, 2007 02:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwrnmnbsolI think I wrote this originally because I had writer's block, and I wanted to break it by writing something -- anything! Since then it's appeared on a dozen internet joke lists, always without attributing the author. Oh well.
AKAA
The Akaavians' poisonous respiratory byproducts have entirely destroyed all surface vegetation on their homeworld -- particularly distressing since the Akaavians love the Christmas Tree ritual, yet disapprove of artificial plants. Beautiful are the Yuletide kelp fronds, hundreds of yards of waving light-bedecked strands, disappearing into the murky depths below.
BEEG
The Beeg celebrate the birth of Christ by straining and devouring plankton from the oceans of their homeworld. This is a daily activity for the Beeg, but on Christmas Eve they strain with particular exuberance, chopping the surf into mountains of snowy froth.
CHODHAI
After a steaming bowl of Yrrch (traditional Veng pudding), the Chodween lurch out into the methane snow and gargle melodically outside the portals of burrows belonging to their elders. They do not leave until they are pelted with Jaguay, a form of pot-sticker, or they are forced indoors by meteor showers. The elders, wise in their advanced years, usually hold out for the latter.
DAGGOTH
The Daggoni, pessimists of the galaxy, give ten Christmas presents every year to each of their offspring. Traditionally, one will be lethally booby-trapped, but in recent years loving Daggon parents have been sabotaging two or more gifts. Few Daggoni children waken their parents early on Christmas morning.
EIDUR
The Eidurskalds sing of their greatest hero, Mangthulassen, who reputedly bested Christ in a series of nine contests including painting, riddles and the javelin. Eidur nativity scenes typically place the manger in obscure, dimly-lit corners, usually behind some kind of diorama involving giant serpents being wrestled.
FFORF
The mayfly-like Fforfors spend their entire adult lives joined in copulation, with the exceptions of Christmas and the running of the Preakness. This makes them understandably irritable during the Yule season, and their gifts rarely outrate shiny pebbles, or a box of office-size staples.
GESSEL
The Gess are long dead, but their automated servants remain and recall well the Christmas rituals. On Christmas Eve ten billion stockings are hung on two billion cold chimneys, beautiful organ music echoes across empty pews, and spidery metal figures recycle untouched slime-yak dinners as they cool at the banquet tables.
HIZUZ
Hizu scientists, using genetic material from a burial shroud, have successfully cloned Jesus. The Hizu do not believe in transsubstantiation, but science has taken a hand and allowed them to have a full Christmas Mass anyway. An efficient juicing device can service an entire congregation off only one Messiah.
IRRIDIA
The Irradiants, an ancient race, have long ago outgrown the constraints of time and space, escaping into multi-dimensional lattices of thought and energy. Nevertheless, they retain vestiges of mortality and still practice Christmas ceremonies, although the lack of tangibles has shunted the holiday into the realm of the abstract. "You have given me the gift of Impressionism!" blinks one Irradiant to another excitedly. "Please accept in return an original concept in Number Theory."
JENEER
Juvenile Jenee spin cocoon-like shells and remain tightly sealed within until adulthood. Santa must visit each child every Christmas, and the strain of worming his way into each spore-capsule begins to wear at the jolly old elf before the morning comes. "Here's your DAMNED DOLL," he grates out on his last visit, picking bits of stickum out of his beard.
KHWEE
On Khwee, the Christmas tree is the most feared predator of the forested highlands. Its bright baubles jouncing enticingly, the dread Tannenbaum lures hapless prey within reach of its tinselled tentacles and drags it into its concealed toothy maw. Khweer farmers hunt such monsters and dance about their embalmed bodies each Yuletide, in hopes of a benevolent Spring planting.
LOY
Christ has visited Loy most recently, and there hasn't been time for his life and death to achieve legendary status. "Eh," shrug the Loyo to each other, "He was just okay." As a nod to piety, however, on Christmas most bars offer 'happy hour' rates all night long.
MAGWAY
The Magwegians firmly believe that Christ died for their sins, and on Christmas they attempt to repay the favor. "DIE FOR CHRIST!" scream the Piety-Enforcement Troopers of the priest caste, blanketing the streets of the panicked cities with their disruptor beams.
NANG
The Soothsaying Guild on Nang is terribly jealous of the three seers who successfully found the Christ-child the first time. Determined to get a piece of the action for the Second Coming, Nang magi spend most of their time around Christmas dilligently following anything that might be a star. A recent terrible tragedy saw over 70 starry-eyed wise men dive into the heart of a raging monsoon in hot pursuit of a falling weather balloon.
OOBLIK
The Ooblimps, greenish sacs of fibers and helium, waft silently through the swirling red mists of their gas giant world. Every Christmas, using means of communication undetectable to modern science, the Ooblimps mass near the equator and form the shape of an evergreen greater than ninety thousand miles across on the long axis. Meanwhile, in the moonlet of Ooban II, the primitives look up and wonder, extending their tendrils to try to touch the shimmering plant-form high above.
PROTEUS
Sports are all-important on Proteus, and since Christmas Day coincides with the first day of Sproing-Hockey Season, religion gets to take a back seat. However, Proteans are somewhat reverent and therefore have found ways to make do. "Please remain standing for the Paean of Life and a brief Mass."
QUOQUA
The entire planet of Quoqua actually is one single enormous entity, a gigantic sentient anemone with bones of heavy silicates. It broods much of the time in its loneliness, or grapples asteroids for food. Only on Christmas does Mighty Quoqua contemplate the Higher Truth. "Christ died for *me*?" wonders the living world to itself. "Cool."
ROOD
The mysterious world of Rood is populated entirely by male humanoids with long sandy hair, well-trimmed beards, simple raiments and humble miens. They converse in long parables, each revealing wisdom beyond his years. Every Christmas a few of them disappear, although how or to where is unknown. The rest of the year, Rood's lack of defenses makes it a promising target for slavers.
SSURMA
The monstrous Ssurmani Empire plans an offensive every Christmas against Terran-held sectors, when readiness is expected to be at a low. Every year this ploy works; they make major gains at Human expense and throw lavish banquets to celebrate. In a sense, therefore, the Ssurmani observe our holiday. Give them a thousand years and they'll be gobbling chocolates out of Advent Calendars like everybody else.
THAYLE
The Thayli have transposed the legends of Jesus and Santa Claus. Every Christmas morning, delighted Thaylings scuttle upstairs to see if their carefully-hung mandible-protectors have been festooned with loaves and fishes. Meanwhile, the Elves as a race are generally blamed for nailing Santa to the chimney.
UUR
There are over thirty million distinct religious sects on overpopulated Uur, each having a holy day on Christmas. The intense spirituality of twelve trillion Uuri, each concentrating on the adoration of their holy figures, generates a kind of ecclesiastic critical mass. "Stop!" moan the countless saints, prophets and angels, each forced to manifest a thousand times over. "Have you no mercy?!"
VUVUV
The Vovians, a warlike people, hunker down in their bunkers and await the inevitable Christmas offensive from the Other Side. The tracer fire streaks across the sky in seasonal reds and greens. Holiday Schtorb-cakes, sent in packages from home, are routinely scanned for fissionable materials.
WYUTH
Bloodthirsty Wyutai trim their Christmas trees with the integuments of their foes, and burn Yule candles made from the fat of their enemies' children. In their mythos, Christ was not simply crucified, but was then staked out, flayed, and painted with acidic bongfruit juice. He did not go easily, though, crushing fully a thousand skulls of unbelievers before being overwhelmed.
XUCHA
The Utopian Xuchans have everything they could ever want, making Christmas gift-giving difficult. The tradition has therefore evolved to destroy a possession of one's friends and associates on Christmas Eve; the more catastrophic the loss, the better. The personal touch is still important, however; among the wealthy it is considered the pinnacle of poor taste to use atomics.
YIKLI
The Yiklin do not celebrate Christmas, but they have recently intercepted Earth television broadcasts and are fascinated by our seasonal programmes. "Pa Rum-Pa-Pum-Pum," they sagely burble to each other, squatting in their steaming mudbaths; "Pa Rum-Pa-Pum-Pum."
ZIM
The Zim love Christmas. Every year they gather together their families and friends to celebrate. They feast together, and dance and sing in harmony. They pray solemnly to God above, in appreciation for the sacrifice of his only cherished son. They exchange gifts and goodwill, vowing to improve the lots of all Zimkind in the following year. These perverse practices have earned these brutes the label of 'Galactic Refuse'.
AKAA
The Akaavians' poisonous respiratory byproducts have entirely destroyed all surface vegetation on their homeworld -- particularly distressing since the Akaavians love the Christmas Tree ritual, yet disapprove of artificial plants. Beautiful are the Yuletide kelp fronds, hundreds of yards of waving light-bedecked strands, disappearing into the murky depths below.
BEEG
The Beeg celebrate the birth of Christ by straining and devouring plankton from the oceans of their homeworld. This is a daily activity for the Beeg, but on Christmas Eve they strain with particular exuberance, chopping the surf into mountains of snowy froth.
CHODHAI
After a steaming bowl of Yrrch (traditional Veng pudding), the Chodween lurch out into the methane snow and gargle melodically outside the portals of burrows belonging to their elders. They do not leave until they are pelted with Jaguay, a form of pot-sticker, or they are forced indoors by meteor showers. The elders, wise in their advanced years, usually hold out for the latter.
DAGGOTH
The Daggoni, pessimists of the galaxy, give ten Christmas presents every year to each of their offspring. Traditionally, one will be lethally booby-trapped, but in recent years loving Daggon parents have been sabotaging two or more gifts. Few Daggoni children waken their parents early on Christmas morning.
EIDUR
The Eidurskalds sing of their greatest hero, Mangthulassen, who reputedly bested Christ in a series of nine contests including painting, riddles and the javelin. Eidur nativity scenes typically place the manger in obscure, dimly-lit corners, usually behind some kind of diorama involving giant serpents being wrestled.
FFORF
The mayfly-like Fforfors spend their entire adult lives joined in copulation, with the exceptions of Christmas and the running of the Preakness. This makes them understandably irritable during the Yule season, and their gifts rarely outrate shiny pebbles, or a box of office-size staples.
GESSEL
The Gess are long dead, but their automated servants remain and recall well the Christmas rituals. On Christmas Eve ten billion stockings are hung on two billion cold chimneys, beautiful organ music echoes across empty pews, and spidery metal figures recycle untouched slime-yak dinners as they cool at the banquet tables.
HIZUZ
Hizu scientists, using genetic material from a burial shroud, have successfully cloned Jesus. The Hizu do not believe in transsubstantiation, but science has taken a hand and allowed them to have a full Christmas Mass anyway. An efficient juicing device can service an entire congregation off only one Messiah.
IRRIDIA
The Irradiants, an ancient race, have long ago outgrown the constraints of time and space, escaping into multi-dimensional lattices of thought and energy. Nevertheless, they retain vestiges of mortality and still practice Christmas ceremonies, although the lack of tangibles has shunted the holiday into the realm of the abstract. "You have given me the gift of Impressionism!" blinks one Irradiant to another excitedly. "Please accept in return an original concept in Number Theory."
JENEER
Juvenile Jenee spin cocoon-like shells and remain tightly sealed within until adulthood. Santa must visit each child every Christmas, and the strain of worming his way into each spore-capsule begins to wear at the jolly old elf before the morning comes. "Here's your DAMNED DOLL," he grates out on his last visit, picking bits of stickum out of his beard.
KHWEE
On Khwee, the Christmas tree is the most feared predator of the forested highlands. Its bright baubles jouncing enticingly, the dread Tannenbaum lures hapless prey within reach of its tinselled tentacles and drags it into its concealed toothy maw. Khweer farmers hunt such monsters and dance about their embalmed bodies each Yuletide, in hopes of a benevolent Spring planting.
LOY
Christ has visited Loy most recently, and there hasn't been time for his life and death to achieve legendary status. "Eh," shrug the Loyo to each other, "He was just okay." As a nod to piety, however, on Christmas most bars offer 'happy hour' rates all night long.
MAGWAY
The Magwegians firmly believe that Christ died for their sins, and on Christmas they attempt to repay the favor. "DIE FOR CHRIST!" scream the Piety-Enforcement Troopers of the priest caste, blanketing the streets of the panicked cities with their disruptor beams.
NANG
The Soothsaying Guild on Nang is terribly jealous of the three seers who successfully found the Christ-child the first time. Determined to get a piece of the action for the Second Coming, Nang magi spend most of their time around Christmas dilligently following anything that might be a star. A recent terrible tragedy saw over 70 starry-eyed wise men dive into the heart of a raging monsoon in hot pursuit of a falling weather balloon.
OOBLIK
The Ooblimps, greenish sacs of fibers and helium, waft silently through the swirling red mists of their gas giant world. Every Christmas, using means of communication undetectable to modern science, the Ooblimps mass near the equator and form the shape of an evergreen greater than ninety thousand miles across on the long axis. Meanwhile, in the moonlet of Ooban II, the primitives look up and wonder, extending their tendrils to try to touch the shimmering plant-form high above.
PROTEUS
Sports are all-important on Proteus, and since Christmas Day coincides with the first day of Sproing-Hockey Season, religion gets to take a back seat. However, Proteans are somewhat reverent and therefore have found ways to make do. "Please remain standing for the Paean of Life and a brief Mass."
QUOQUA
The entire planet of Quoqua actually is one single enormous entity, a gigantic sentient anemone with bones of heavy silicates. It broods much of the time in its loneliness, or grapples asteroids for food. Only on Christmas does Mighty Quoqua contemplate the Higher Truth. "Christ died for *me*?" wonders the living world to itself. "Cool."
ROOD
The mysterious world of Rood is populated entirely by male humanoids with long sandy hair, well-trimmed beards, simple raiments and humble miens. They converse in long parables, each revealing wisdom beyond his years. Every Christmas a few of them disappear, although how or to where is unknown. The rest of the year, Rood's lack of defenses makes it a promising target for slavers.
SSURMA
The monstrous Ssurmani Empire plans an offensive every Christmas against Terran-held sectors, when readiness is expected to be at a low. Every year this ploy works; they make major gains at Human expense and throw lavish banquets to celebrate. In a sense, therefore, the Ssurmani observe our holiday. Give them a thousand years and they'll be gobbling chocolates out of Advent Calendars like everybody else.
THAYLE
The Thayli have transposed the legends of Jesus and Santa Claus. Every Christmas morning, delighted Thaylings scuttle upstairs to see if their carefully-hung mandible-protectors have been festooned with loaves and fishes. Meanwhile, the Elves as a race are generally blamed for nailing Santa to the chimney.
UUR
There are over thirty million distinct religious sects on overpopulated Uur, each having a holy day on Christmas. The intense spirituality of twelve trillion Uuri, each concentrating on the adoration of their holy figures, generates a kind of ecclesiastic critical mass. "Stop!" moan the countless saints, prophets and angels, each forced to manifest a thousand times over. "Have you no mercy?!"
VUVUV
The Vovians, a warlike people, hunker down in their bunkers and await the inevitable Christmas offensive from the Other Side. The tracer fire streaks across the sky in seasonal reds and greens. Holiday Schtorb-cakes, sent in packages from home, are routinely scanned for fissionable materials.
WYUTH
Bloodthirsty Wyutai trim their Christmas trees with the integuments of their foes, and burn Yule candles made from the fat of their enemies' children. In their mythos, Christ was not simply crucified, but was then staked out, flayed, and painted with acidic bongfruit juice. He did not go easily, though, crushing fully a thousand skulls of unbelievers before being overwhelmed.
XUCHA
The Utopian Xuchans have everything they could ever want, making Christmas gift-giving difficult. The tradition has therefore evolved to destroy a possession of one's friends and associates on Christmas Eve; the more catastrophic the loss, the better. The personal touch is still important, however; among the wealthy it is considered the pinnacle of poor taste to use atomics.
YIKLI
The Yiklin do not celebrate Christmas, but they have recently intercepted Earth television broadcasts and are fascinated by our seasonal programmes. "Pa Rum-Pa-Pum-Pum," they sagely burble to each other, squatting in their steaming mudbaths; "Pa Rum-Pa-Pum-Pum."
ZIM
The Zim love Christmas. Every year they gather together their families and friends to celebrate. They feast together, and dance and sing in harmony. They pray solemnly to God above, in appreciation for the sacrifice of his only cherished son. They exchange gifts and goodwill, vowing to improve the lots of all Zimkind in the following year. These perverse practices have earned these brutes the label of 'Galactic Refuse'.
