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The Red Phone
Mar. 5th, 2008 09:36 amOkay, now I'm pissed. Apparently Hillary Clinton's most recent ad campaign worked, and Barrack Obama's numbers slipped in the run-up to the Texas and Ohio primaries because of it. In Hillary's commercials she asks the question: when the red phone in the White House rings at 3 in the morning, who do you really want to answer it?
That's a dodgy question. I don't really like any of my options. None of them would take the call.
If it's Obama in the White House, he's not even going to pick up the phone. He's afraid it'll be Louis Farrakhan again, telling him he has Senators tickets and they should get together some time.
Hillary's not any better. The phone will be picked up by Bill, spending yet another uncomfortable night on the couch. He'll get the phone on the first ring, hiss "Condi, I told you never to call me at home!" and hang up.
Of course, McCain wouldn't get the phone either. He'll be straining on the toilet owing to a dietary fiber deficiency, and anyway the phone will be busy because his mom will be using the line to navigate the online Seniors chat boards.
It's a good thing Huckabee's out, because he's not getting near that phone. No proper caller telephones at 3 in the morning; it's unpatriotic, and it would be un-American to pick up. Besides, red is the color of Satan.
Naturally Nader won't get the call; thanks to his diligent advocacy, he'll have the Joint Chiefs of Staff served with the National Do Not Call list.
The current administration is not on top of this. Bush won't get to the phone, because Cheney will pick up immediately -- he never sleeps in his crypt. "Babiesssss!" he'll hiss diabolically. "Fressssh Babiesssssss!" And of course the call will end there, because everybody knows you don't feed Dick Cheney after midnight.
No, there is only one person in the world who is qualified to take that call. That person is Jimmy Carter. "Hello?" he'll answer in his quavering Georgia accent.
"Mister Carter, sir?" the young lieutenant colonel on the other end will ask. "I'm sorry for waking you up."
"That's okay," Carter will reply. "I'm pretty old, and I don't sleep much any more."
"We have a situation in North Korea that demands your immediate attention."
There is an awkward silence on the phone. "Son," Carter says, "you do realize I'm not president any more?"
"Yes, sir," the officer responds. "But we worked our way down through the chain of command, all the way down to the Secretary of the Interior, and nobody would pick up. We didn't know what to do next, frankly, sir, so we called you."
"Oh." Carter will pull on his slippers. "Well, I'll put on the teapot, and we'll get this all sorted out." And then, in his wizened, Yoda-like way, Carter will solve everything.
This is of course a fantasy. Honestly, though, when it comes to feeling optimistic about our leadership's ability to respond to crisis, sometimes the only relief I have is my imagination.
That's a dodgy question. I don't really like any of my options. None of them would take the call.
If it's Obama in the White House, he's not even going to pick up the phone. He's afraid it'll be Louis Farrakhan again, telling him he has Senators tickets and they should get together some time.
Hillary's not any better. The phone will be picked up by Bill, spending yet another uncomfortable night on the couch. He'll get the phone on the first ring, hiss "Condi, I told you never to call me at home!" and hang up.
Of course, McCain wouldn't get the phone either. He'll be straining on the toilet owing to a dietary fiber deficiency, and anyway the phone will be busy because his mom will be using the line to navigate the online Seniors chat boards.
It's a good thing Huckabee's out, because he's not getting near that phone. No proper caller telephones at 3 in the morning; it's unpatriotic, and it would be un-American to pick up. Besides, red is the color of Satan.
Naturally Nader won't get the call; thanks to his diligent advocacy, he'll have the Joint Chiefs of Staff served with the National Do Not Call list.
The current administration is not on top of this. Bush won't get to the phone, because Cheney will pick up immediately -- he never sleeps in his crypt. "Babiesssss!" he'll hiss diabolically. "Fressssh Babiesssssss!" And of course the call will end there, because everybody knows you don't feed Dick Cheney after midnight.
No, there is only one person in the world who is qualified to take that call. That person is Jimmy Carter. "Hello?" he'll answer in his quavering Georgia accent.
"Mister Carter, sir?" the young lieutenant colonel on the other end will ask. "I'm sorry for waking you up."
"That's okay," Carter will reply. "I'm pretty old, and I don't sleep much any more."
"We have a situation in North Korea that demands your immediate attention."
There is an awkward silence on the phone. "Son," Carter says, "you do realize I'm not president any more?"
"Yes, sir," the officer responds. "But we worked our way down through the chain of command, all the way down to the Secretary of the Interior, and nobody would pick up. We didn't know what to do next, frankly, sir, so we called you."
"Oh." Carter will pull on his slippers. "Well, I'll put on the teapot, and we'll get this all sorted out." And then, in his wizened, Yoda-like way, Carter will solve everything.
This is of course a fantasy. Honestly, though, when it comes to feeling optimistic about our leadership's ability to respond to crisis, sometimes the only relief I have is my imagination.
