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Three Days
Dec. 6th, 2006 12:50 pmIn three days I will be married. I have strong feelings about this.
This feels very right to me. Entering a state of marriage again feels unforced and energizing. I have no jitters about the ceremony or what it stands for. A few nights ago I put on my wedding band and wore it a bit to try it on, and even slept the night in it. It felt very natural there, and it felt wrong to put it away again. I want to be married.
I am sad because I will not have many friends at the wedding. Financial constraints forced me to have a very short guest list to begin with. In recent days a number of friends, all with legitimate excuses, have been forced to bow out of attending. I don't begrudge people not coming to my wedding, especially when health issues and travel problems are involved, but I will miss seeing the people I care about.
I am nervous and out of sorts because family from both sides start arriving in town today. I will have my inlaws camped in my house for the next week, and my parents will be in the area through the holidays. There are also assorted brothers and sisters, cousins, uncles and other related riff-raff arriving at various times. Bon and I have been obsessively cleaning over the last few days, and the house looks much better than it ever has, but much has been left undone and this stresses us out. The situation with dog-sitting is also still not fully resolved, and in our house it is a major operation to get the dogs fed and pilled and cared for, so this is a major incomplete item. Most of the rest of the details of the wedding are coming together.
I am also a bit on edge owing to stresses outside of the wedding itself. Money problems, dealing with my insane ex-landlord, problems at work, disagreements with my ex and kid concerns all pull at me from time to time. There's a lot to juggle right now, and I am hopeful that in the new year I'll be able to focus on properly resolving many of these.
I am incredibly happy and relieved that my kids are thrilled about the impending union. E and Bon sat down and had a good conversation about this recently. E sometimes surprises me with the depth and clarity of his thinking -- it shouldn't, I know, because he's a bright kid from excellent gene stock, but so much of the time his head is full of scattered thoughts about cars or bionicles or cartoons, and then all at once he'll drop some insight that makes me realize that his higher functions are constantly operating in the background. Anyway, summarizing, E expressed the thought that his dad was incomplete outside of marriage, so this wedding is important not just to make dad happy, but also healthy. Hearing about this made me choke up with pride and gratitude. K's feelings have never been in doubt; she thinks Bonnie is fascinating and they enjoy their time together. Clearly K loves her mama and always will, but Bon is a different sort of person from her mom, and she gets to see another facet of How To Be a Woman. K has bonded well with Bon and seems to see this wedding mostly as an opportunity to wear a cool dress. For both kids, as far as the practicalities of a union are concerned, it's a fait accompli -- we're already a unit in their eyes. This makes me very happy, because I love Bon very much. I wouldn't stop loving her even if the kids disapproved for some reason, but it would make all this so much harder.
So: my thoughts and feelings are a jumble right now. I am grateful to my groomsmen and fiancee for keeping me sane during this time, and for being so willing and capable and genial. Thank you for standing with me at this important moment. And thank you, also, to the rest of my excellent friends, many of whom are on LJ, for being who you are.
This feels very right to me. Entering a state of marriage again feels unforced and energizing. I have no jitters about the ceremony or what it stands for. A few nights ago I put on my wedding band and wore it a bit to try it on, and even slept the night in it. It felt very natural there, and it felt wrong to put it away again. I want to be married.
I am sad because I will not have many friends at the wedding. Financial constraints forced me to have a very short guest list to begin with. In recent days a number of friends, all with legitimate excuses, have been forced to bow out of attending. I don't begrudge people not coming to my wedding, especially when health issues and travel problems are involved, but I will miss seeing the people I care about.
I am nervous and out of sorts because family from both sides start arriving in town today. I will have my inlaws camped in my house for the next week, and my parents will be in the area through the holidays. There are also assorted brothers and sisters, cousins, uncles and other related riff-raff arriving at various times. Bon and I have been obsessively cleaning over the last few days, and the house looks much better than it ever has, but much has been left undone and this stresses us out. The situation with dog-sitting is also still not fully resolved, and in our house it is a major operation to get the dogs fed and pilled and cared for, so this is a major incomplete item. Most of the rest of the details of the wedding are coming together.
I am also a bit on edge owing to stresses outside of the wedding itself. Money problems, dealing with my insane ex-landlord, problems at work, disagreements with my ex and kid concerns all pull at me from time to time. There's a lot to juggle right now, and I am hopeful that in the new year I'll be able to focus on properly resolving many of these.
I am incredibly happy and relieved that my kids are thrilled about the impending union. E and Bon sat down and had a good conversation about this recently. E sometimes surprises me with the depth and clarity of his thinking -- it shouldn't, I know, because he's a bright kid from excellent gene stock, but so much of the time his head is full of scattered thoughts about cars or bionicles or cartoons, and then all at once he'll drop some insight that makes me realize that his higher functions are constantly operating in the background. Anyway, summarizing, E expressed the thought that his dad was incomplete outside of marriage, so this wedding is important not just to make dad happy, but also healthy. Hearing about this made me choke up with pride and gratitude. K's feelings have never been in doubt; she thinks Bonnie is fascinating and they enjoy their time together. Clearly K loves her mama and always will, but Bon is a different sort of person from her mom, and she gets to see another facet of How To Be a Woman. K has bonded well with Bon and seems to see this wedding mostly as an opportunity to wear a cool dress. For both kids, as far as the practicalities of a union are concerned, it's a fait accompli -- we're already a unit in their eyes. This makes me very happy, because I love Bon very much. I wouldn't stop loving her even if the kids disapproved for some reason, but it would make all this so much harder.
So: my thoughts and feelings are a jumble right now. I am grateful to my groomsmen and fiancee for keeping me sane during this time, and for being so willing and capable and genial. Thank you for standing with me at this important moment. And thank you, also, to the rest of my excellent friends, many of whom are on LJ, for being who you are.
