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CSI: Narnia
Jul. 5th, 2006 02:24 pm"There's no body?" I couldn't believe it.
"There's no body."
Yarrath was nervous. He was a seasoned wolf, lean and grey -- a veteran of the secret police force -- and very little ever spooked him. Now, though, his nose was twitching unconsciously. I knew why. Yarrath feared little, but he had to report to Maugrim, and Maugrim answered directly to the White Queen. The White Queen would not be pleased.
My team spread out across the crime scene. Mister Balthus trotted over the cracked steps and tumbled menhirs of the Stone Table, and under his direction his magical quill expertly sketched every detail of the area. Minerva the She-Hag swabbed the ground for minute samples of skin or hair belonging to the accused -- samples that could be turned into useful potions in the laboratory, for the purposes of suborning will and forcing confessions. Pillifer the Weasel ranged everywhere, his sensitive nose capable of sniffing out the slightest hint of treasonous behavior.
"I don't know why CSI was summoned," growled Yarrath. "We wolves have matters well in maw. The last thing we need is some black dwarf and his gang of incompetents muddying up the waters!"
"Do not question the orders of Jadis, Queen of Narnia," I snarled. You don't survive a century of crime scene investigation for the White Queen by kowtowing to every wolf that bumbles along. "Your brute-force methods are very good for keeping squirrels and rabbits in line, but for some cases you need to bring in the magic. You have to trust the magic." I lit my meerschaum while Yarrath trembled with rage. "Now why don't we review the particulars of the case?"
Yarrath bared his teeth, then lowered his muzzle and relaxed. "You win, Sharralac," he grumbled, and trotted me over to the dried pool of blood where the vic had lain. My team assembled behind me to listen in.
"The Great Lion was seized up, bound and shaved," Yarrath intoned, reciting the case details from memory. "Here Jadis displayed the humbled lion to the crowd, amid much merriment, and then the killing blow was struck. The beast shuddered and died, and the assembled faithful cavorted in ecstasy. In the morning, all scattered -- and yet the lion's body disappeared!"
"This killing blow," hissed Minerva, "you are certain it was lethal?"
"When Queen Jadis strikes in wrath, a body never moves again," replied Yarrath surely.
Pillifer scuttled up with some frayed rope strands. "Chewed through, sir," he reported.
I examined them closely with my Occuloscope. "We are looking for mice, Pillifer," I instructed my tracker. "Find me one, and scrape its teeth for fragments." Pillifer vanished with his usual efficiency.
"I have located prints in the soil," said Mister Balthus, pointing them out. I inspected them -- not unlike a dwarf's feet, but lighter at the heel, and with a curious point at the toe.
"Ah," I said, sitting back on my haunches. "Interesting."
"Is it a hag? or perhaps a boggin?" asked Minerva.
"Something much rarer," I replied. "A juvenile female of homo sapiens sapiens."
Balthus gasped. "A Daughter of Eve?"
"Impossible!" barked Yarrath. I turned to glare at the wolf.
"To CSI, nothing is impossible," I replied. "The Great Lion is struck down, in accordance with the laws of Dark Magic from the Dawn of Time. Ordinary reason tells us that he should be dead, and yet he is not here."
"Exactly my point," snarled Yarrath. "Your reason is garbage!"
"No," I answered patiently. "Ordinary reason is flawed, but not broken. We do not have all the facts. There must be some other explanation, some other Magic, for which it all makes sense." I turned to face Cair Paravel, smoke from my pipe drifting over the snowy trees.
"You have to trust the magic."
[CUE BABA O'REILLY]
"There's no body."
Yarrath was nervous. He was a seasoned wolf, lean and grey -- a veteran of the secret police force -- and very little ever spooked him. Now, though, his nose was twitching unconsciously. I knew why. Yarrath feared little, but he had to report to Maugrim, and Maugrim answered directly to the White Queen. The White Queen would not be pleased.
My team spread out across the crime scene. Mister Balthus trotted over the cracked steps and tumbled menhirs of the Stone Table, and under his direction his magical quill expertly sketched every detail of the area. Minerva the She-Hag swabbed the ground for minute samples of skin or hair belonging to the accused -- samples that could be turned into useful potions in the laboratory, for the purposes of suborning will and forcing confessions. Pillifer the Weasel ranged everywhere, his sensitive nose capable of sniffing out the slightest hint of treasonous behavior.
"I don't know why CSI was summoned," growled Yarrath. "We wolves have matters well in maw. The last thing we need is some black dwarf and his gang of incompetents muddying up the waters!"
"Do not question the orders of Jadis, Queen of Narnia," I snarled. You don't survive a century of crime scene investigation for the White Queen by kowtowing to every wolf that bumbles along. "Your brute-force methods are very good for keeping squirrels and rabbits in line, but for some cases you need to bring in the magic. You have to trust the magic." I lit my meerschaum while Yarrath trembled with rage. "Now why don't we review the particulars of the case?"
Yarrath bared his teeth, then lowered his muzzle and relaxed. "You win, Sharralac," he grumbled, and trotted me over to the dried pool of blood where the vic had lain. My team assembled behind me to listen in.
"The Great Lion was seized up, bound and shaved," Yarrath intoned, reciting the case details from memory. "Here Jadis displayed the humbled lion to the crowd, amid much merriment, and then the killing blow was struck. The beast shuddered and died, and the assembled faithful cavorted in ecstasy. In the morning, all scattered -- and yet the lion's body disappeared!"
"This killing blow," hissed Minerva, "you are certain it was lethal?"
"When Queen Jadis strikes in wrath, a body never moves again," replied Yarrath surely.
Pillifer scuttled up with some frayed rope strands. "Chewed through, sir," he reported.
I examined them closely with my Occuloscope. "We are looking for mice, Pillifer," I instructed my tracker. "Find me one, and scrape its teeth for fragments." Pillifer vanished with his usual efficiency.
"I have located prints in the soil," said Mister Balthus, pointing them out. I inspected them -- not unlike a dwarf's feet, but lighter at the heel, and with a curious point at the toe.
"Ah," I said, sitting back on my haunches. "Interesting."
"Is it a hag? or perhaps a boggin?" asked Minerva.
"Something much rarer," I replied. "A juvenile female of homo sapiens sapiens."
Balthus gasped. "A Daughter of Eve?"
"Impossible!" barked Yarrath. I turned to glare at the wolf.
"To CSI, nothing is impossible," I replied. "The Great Lion is struck down, in accordance with the laws of Dark Magic from the Dawn of Time. Ordinary reason tells us that he should be dead, and yet he is not here."
"Exactly my point," snarled Yarrath. "Your reason is garbage!"
"No," I answered patiently. "Ordinary reason is flawed, but not broken. We do not have all the facts. There must be some other explanation, some other Magic, for which it all makes sense." I turned to face Cair Paravel, smoke from my pipe drifting over the snowy trees.
"You have to trust the magic."
[CUE BABA O'REILLY]
