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When I Rule
Jun. 10th, 2006 03:33 pmTEXAS CODE OF CRIMINAL PROCEDURE
Art. 9.07 BONEHEADED REMARKS REGARDING TAXATION
As our Royal Excellency Andrew J. Solberg, Emperor of the Blazing Skies and Uniter of the Twelve Tribes of Texas, has seen fit to be greatly annoyed by dim and confused persons stating that paying one's taxes is not mandated by law, and futher stating that in reality there is no binding statute requiring payment of federal, state or local taxes, such an offense shall be deemed an offense injurious to the public health.
Art. 9.08 THWAPPING
Where the court finds that a party has injured the public health by stating that taxation is not mandated by law, said party shall be required to submit to the court's bailiff for a thwapping, where herein a thwapping shall be defined as an open-handed blow to the back of the head, of insufficient strength to cause permanent damage or leave a mark, but of sufficient force to cause the individual's hair to fly upwards, and perhaps be mussed.
Art. 9.09 REPORTING OF THWAPPING
Where a thwapping is administered by the court's bailiff, said thwapping shall be entered into the public record, and shall be reported by the court reporter thusly:
JUDGE: Defendant, have you stated that the law does not require you to pay your taxes?
DEFENDANT: Your Honor, I have.
JUDGE: Approach the Bailiff.
BAILIFF: [thwap]
DEFENDANT: Ow.
JUDGE: The Defendant shall be silent.
Art. 9.10 WIGS FOR THWAPPING
Where a thwapping is administered to a party whose hair is of insufficient length to be caused to fly upwards by a blow of appropriate force, a long-haired wig shall be provided to that party, and the party shall be obliged to don said wig when receiving the bailiff's thwapping, in order that the judge can observe that an appropriate level of force was employed.
Art. 9.11 POINTING AND LAUGHING
Where a thwapping is administered to a party subsequent to the uttering of boneheaded remarks regarding taxation, all present in the court shall rise, and all present including the judge shall point their right index finger at said party and shall commence laughing in a mocking manner for a brief but satisfactory period of time, such that the offending party shall be abashed regarding their boneheaded remarks, and shall in the future carefully consider whether the uttering of such nonsense is worth the trouble and shame that their drivel engenders under the law.
Art. 9.12 I MEAN IT
As our Royal Excellency Andrew J. Solberg, Emperor of the Blazing Skies and Uniter of the Twelve Tribes of Texas, has gone to a certain amount of trouble to ensure that these statutes are passed into law, all courts shall be advised that Leader-For-Life Solberg is serious about this crap, and he stands ready to unleash awe-inspiring wrath and fury upon those courts that do not enforce this statute, possibly including slapping people around and, where necessary, stringing them up. Seriously, people. Achtung.
Art. 9.07 BONEHEADED REMARKS REGARDING TAXATION
As our Royal Excellency Andrew J. Solberg, Emperor of the Blazing Skies and Uniter of the Twelve Tribes of Texas, has seen fit to be greatly annoyed by dim and confused persons stating that paying one's taxes is not mandated by law, and futher stating that in reality there is no binding statute requiring payment of federal, state or local taxes, such an offense shall be deemed an offense injurious to the public health.
Art. 9.08 THWAPPING
Where the court finds that a party has injured the public health by stating that taxation is not mandated by law, said party shall be required to submit to the court's bailiff for a thwapping, where herein a thwapping shall be defined as an open-handed blow to the back of the head, of insufficient strength to cause permanent damage or leave a mark, but of sufficient force to cause the individual's hair to fly upwards, and perhaps be mussed.
Art. 9.09 REPORTING OF THWAPPING
Where a thwapping is administered by the court's bailiff, said thwapping shall be entered into the public record, and shall be reported by the court reporter thusly:
JUDGE: Defendant, have you stated that the law does not require you to pay your taxes?
DEFENDANT: Your Honor, I have.
JUDGE: Approach the Bailiff.
BAILIFF: [thwap]
DEFENDANT: Ow.
JUDGE: The Defendant shall be silent.
Art. 9.10 WIGS FOR THWAPPING
Where a thwapping is administered to a party whose hair is of insufficient length to be caused to fly upwards by a blow of appropriate force, a long-haired wig shall be provided to that party, and the party shall be obliged to don said wig when receiving the bailiff's thwapping, in order that the judge can observe that an appropriate level of force was employed.
Art. 9.11 POINTING AND LAUGHING
Where a thwapping is administered to a party subsequent to the uttering of boneheaded remarks regarding taxation, all present in the court shall rise, and all present including the judge shall point their right index finger at said party and shall commence laughing in a mocking manner for a brief but satisfactory period of time, such that the offending party shall be abashed regarding their boneheaded remarks, and shall in the future carefully consider whether the uttering of such nonsense is worth the trouble and shame that their drivel engenders under the law.
Art. 9.12 I MEAN IT
As our Royal Excellency Andrew J. Solberg, Emperor of the Blazing Skies and Uniter of the Twelve Tribes of Texas, has gone to a certain amount of trouble to ensure that these statutes are passed into law, all courts shall be advised that Leader-For-Life Solberg is serious about this crap, and he stands ready to unleash awe-inspiring wrath and fury upon those courts that do not enforce this statute, possibly including slapping people around and, where necessary, stringing them up. Seriously, people. Achtung.
