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They Like the Dog Lady
Feb. 20th, 2006 12:12 pmIt is the dinner hour. I have made chicken and vegetables and mac-n-cheese. The kids are bent over their plates. I have delayed long enough; it is time.
"So. Have you guys been enjoying the visits with Bonnie and the dogs?" The kids light up. Yes, yes, we love the dogs. The kids are all over the dogs. At 112 pounds, Mojo is the biggest, baddest black labrador anybody has ever seen. He loves to destroy balls and be chased by eight year old boys. Belle is only 70 pounds, but she is a very gentle, passive lab mix who doesn't mind being petted and fussed over by four year old girls.
We have never had animals in the house before. My mother is not a dog-lover, and my ex-wife isn't either. Her famous quote was that if she was going to raise a creature from birth, she wanted it to grow up to be able to talk to her. I love animals, and my kids love animals, but we have never had pets around us. But Bonnie has been paying us visits, and she has been bringing the dogs, and the dogs love the kids, and the kids love the dogs.
The kids like Bonnie too. Bonnie is very nice to them. She makes them cookies, and chatters with them, and does puzzles with them. The kids are okay with Bonnie, but nobody is under any illusions here. The dogs are the real draw.
I hesitate. This is the delicate part.
"I'm glad you're enjoying being with Bonnie and Mojo and Belle," I say. "I'm enjoying it too. You see, Bonnie isn't just my friend. She's my girlfriend."
I watch the kids carefully. Eric's eyebrows rise. Katherine doesn't appear to register any reaction. I forge onward; silence is no good here.
"I've explained a bit about mommy and I separating," I tell them. "We've talked about adults and the relationships they have. Many adults want to be in a romantic relationship. Men tend to seek out women, and women tend to seek out men. They want to be with somebody who they can hold hands with, and kiss. It's part of being in love. I know you think that's gross, Eric, but for mature adults it makes sense." Eric sticks out his tongue. He's eight and he's a boy; to him, girls are dangerous alien creatures, and he won't even walk down the Barbie aisle in the toy store.
"Kids," I say, "being separated has been very lonely for me. I have you guys half the time, and that's been really wonderful. But then you go back to mom, and I've missed having you around. I decided a while back I wanted to have a girlfriend. So, Bonnie and I went out on some dates. We've been dating for a couple months, and we really like each other. That's what it means to have a girlfriend -- she's somebody I like a lot, who I have romantic feelings for, and who I spend time with."
"I sort of suspected," Eric says.
"Really?" I ask, genuinely surprised. "How did I tip you off?"
"I dunno," Eric says. "I guess I just sort of had a feeling."
I turn to Katherine. "Did you know too?"
Katherine shakes her head, her face down. She's quiet and that's not good. I'm not sure she knows exactly what's going on. I can't leave it this way.
"You have a mother," I tell the kids. "You have only one mother in the world. Her name is Dema, and she loves you very much, and she will always love you and take care of you. Nobody could ever take her place, and I would never want anybody to try. Bonnie is my girlfriend. I hope she'll be a friend to you guys too. But she'll never be a mother to you, no matter what happens. She's somebody I want to have around, though, and I don't want to have to not see her when I have you kids here. I want to have all the people I care for in one place."
"But not mommy," says Katherine softly. I narrowly avoid bursting into tears.
"I still care about mommy," I say. "She's a wonderful person and I want her to be happy. In time she may choose to have a boyfriend too, if it makes her happy. But that's her choice, and if she makes it, she'll do it when she's ready. Mommy and I will never live together again, and we aren't family together. But you guys are part of my family, and also part of her family, and that's okay. Whether you live in two houses or one, your mom and dad will always take care of you."
"Yeah, and this way we can play with dogs!" says Eric brightly.
Katherine smiles. "I like the dogs!"
There is hope for the future.
"So. Have you guys been enjoying the visits with Bonnie and the dogs?" The kids light up. Yes, yes, we love the dogs. The kids are all over the dogs. At 112 pounds, Mojo is the biggest, baddest black labrador anybody has ever seen. He loves to destroy balls and be chased by eight year old boys. Belle is only 70 pounds, but she is a very gentle, passive lab mix who doesn't mind being petted and fussed over by four year old girls.
We have never had animals in the house before. My mother is not a dog-lover, and my ex-wife isn't either. Her famous quote was that if she was going to raise a creature from birth, she wanted it to grow up to be able to talk to her. I love animals, and my kids love animals, but we have never had pets around us. But Bonnie has been paying us visits, and she has been bringing the dogs, and the dogs love the kids, and the kids love the dogs.
The kids like Bonnie too. Bonnie is very nice to them. She makes them cookies, and chatters with them, and does puzzles with them. The kids are okay with Bonnie, but nobody is under any illusions here. The dogs are the real draw.
I hesitate. This is the delicate part.
"I'm glad you're enjoying being with Bonnie and Mojo and Belle," I say. "I'm enjoying it too. You see, Bonnie isn't just my friend. She's my girlfriend."
I watch the kids carefully. Eric's eyebrows rise. Katherine doesn't appear to register any reaction. I forge onward; silence is no good here.
"I've explained a bit about mommy and I separating," I tell them. "We've talked about adults and the relationships they have. Many adults want to be in a romantic relationship. Men tend to seek out women, and women tend to seek out men. They want to be with somebody who they can hold hands with, and kiss. It's part of being in love. I know you think that's gross, Eric, but for mature adults it makes sense." Eric sticks out his tongue. He's eight and he's a boy; to him, girls are dangerous alien creatures, and he won't even walk down the Barbie aisle in the toy store.
"Kids," I say, "being separated has been very lonely for me. I have you guys half the time, and that's been really wonderful. But then you go back to mom, and I've missed having you around. I decided a while back I wanted to have a girlfriend. So, Bonnie and I went out on some dates. We've been dating for a couple months, and we really like each other. That's what it means to have a girlfriend -- she's somebody I like a lot, who I have romantic feelings for, and who I spend time with."
"I sort of suspected," Eric says.
"Really?" I ask, genuinely surprised. "How did I tip you off?"
"I dunno," Eric says. "I guess I just sort of had a feeling."
I turn to Katherine. "Did you know too?"
Katherine shakes her head, her face down. She's quiet and that's not good. I'm not sure she knows exactly what's going on. I can't leave it this way.
"You have a mother," I tell the kids. "You have only one mother in the world. Her name is Dema, and she loves you very much, and she will always love you and take care of you. Nobody could ever take her place, and I would never want anybody to try. Bonnie is my girlfriend. I hope she'll be a friend to you guys too. But she'll never be a mother to you, no matter what happens. She's somebody I want to have around, though, and I don't want to have to not see her when I have you kids here. I want to have all the people I care for in one place."
"But not mommy," says Katherine softly. I narrowly avoid bursting into tears.
"I still care about mommy," I say. "She's a wonderful person and I want her to be happy. In time she may choose to have a boyfriend too, if it makes her happy. But that's her choice, and if she makes it, she'll do it when she's ready. Mommy and I will never live together again, and we aren't family together. But you guys are part of my family, and also part of her family, and that's okay. Whether you live in two houses or one, your mom and dad will always take care of you."
"Yeah, and this way we can play with dogs!" says Eric brightly.
Katherine smiles. "I like the dogs!"
There is hope for the future.
