The Original Cell Phone FAQ 1.0

Thanks to greeneyes_rpi for digging up the original cell phone FAQ message, which circulated around a mailing list in 2002.

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Dear working associates:

It has recently come to my attention that some of you have obtained my
cell phone number. I do not know how this has happened; my cell phone is
for personal use only and I do not give out the number.

This issue has arisen because I find I am receiving an average of five
work-related phone calls every day on my cell phone. This costs me
money that my company does not reimburse. Even more puzzling are the work-
related phone calls made to my cell phone while I am in the office, with
my office phone a foot away.

I am writing to insist, on the strongest possible terms and with the
harshest penalties imagineable, that you do not call my cell phone.
There is no phone call important enough, no crisis so dire, that this
rule can be ignored. Do not call my cell phone.

I understand that this policy may be confusing to some. I have
therefore complied a Frequently Asked Questions list regarding your
ability to call my cell phone, which is presented for your edification
below:

Andy's Cell Phone FAQ 1.0

Q: Can I call your cell phone?
A: No. Do not call my cell phone.

Q: What if there is an urgent problem?
A: Do not call my cell phone.

Q: What if the problem is really severe?
A: Do not call my cell phone.

Q: But I'm your best buddy!
A: No you're not. Do not call my cell phone.

Q: Why have a cell phone at all?
A: I use it to call out. I also receive calls from personal friends
and family.

Q: Who qualifies as a personal friend?
A: Somebody other than you. Do not call my cell phone.

Q: What do I have to do to get on your list of personal friends?
A: Give me one million dollars.

Q: Isn't that a little harsh?
A: No. Do not call my cell phone.

Q: What will happen if I call your cell phone?
A: Inaccurate information will be given. Things designed for you will
explode. Insults are likely.

Q: If I were stranded on a desert isle with no food or water, could I
call your cell phone?
A: No.

Q: If I were trapped at the bottom of a mine shaft, could I call your
cell phone?
A: No.

Q: If I....
A: Stop it. Do not call my cell phone.

Q: What if I'm really hot?
A: Are you trying to get me in trouble? Do not call my cell phone.

Q: Why don't you just change your cell phone number?
A: People I care about have my number. I don't want them to have to
remember or reprogram a new number.

Q: How come you're so irritable about this?
A: I don't like leashes.

Q: Doesn't the fact that we like calling you show how much we value
your service?
A: Of course it does. Do not call my cell phone.

Q: Aren't you worried that you will lose business?
A: Of course I am. Do not call my cell phone.

Q: Can I call your cell phone?
A: No.

This concludes the FAQ. Thank you for your attention. Should you have
any questions, do not hesitate to call me. Make sure you use the right
phone.

Sincerely,

--
HWRNMNBSOL
peevish