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Andy's Cell Phone FAQ v.1.2
Oct. 14th, 2005 10:11 amAndy's Cell Phone FAQ
Version 1.2
Revised October 14, 2005
It is time, once more, to review our office's policy regarding when it is appropriate to call Andy's cell phone. Andy's cell phone is his personal property and is not an asset of the company. Andy pays for his cell phone coverage out of his own pocket, and deeply resents having to expend minutes every time one of you pinheads has an idiotic idea and can't wait to share it with him. Hence, here is the revised list of Frequently Asked Questions regarding calling Andy's cell phone.
Q: May I call Andy's cell phone?
A: No. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: It can't be that simple. When can I call Andy's cell phone?
A: You may never, ever call Andy's cell phone.
Q: If I'm not supposed to call Andy's cell phone, why did he give out his number?
A: Long ago, somebody convinced Andy that there was an emergency and they needed to be able to reach him. In a moment of weakness, Andy gave out his number. Andy curses that day. From his grave he will curse it eternally.
Q: Can somebody other than me call Andy's cell phone?
A: Yes. Personal friends and family may call Andy's cell phone.
Q: Well, I'm a friend! remember how I made Andy a burger at the company cookout?
A: Thank you for a delicious burger, friend. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: Can I call Andy's cell phone if there is a life-threatening emergency?
A: Whose life is being threatened?
Q: Anybody's?
A: No. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: What if Andy's life is in danger?
A: Andy thrives on danger. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: What if a profitable business opportunity will be lost if I do not call Andy's cell phone?
A: No amount of money is worth what will happen to you if you call Andy's cell phone.
Q: Can Andy call me on his cell phone?
A: Yes, Andy enjoys operating his cell phone for business use on a dial-out basis only.
Q: Isn't that a bit unfair?
A: Andy mocks your curious alien logic. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: What if I feel Andy would really want me to call him?
A: That would require a serious head injury, so no. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: What if I have been ordered to call Andy's cell phone?
A: Ask yourself who you're more afraid of. Then, do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: What if...?
A: No. Stop it. Shut up. You're pissing me off. There is no conceivable scenario that should involve you, dumbass, picking up the handset and calling Andy's cell phone. Only bad, terrifying, heinous things can result from such ill-advised rashness. There will be fire, and mass hallucinations, and birds will fly backwards, and garments will be rent. A million years from now Andy will be a brain in a jar, and his cell phone will be in a museum, and your descendants will not be allowed to call it. It's nothing personal, it's just that you suck, and if you call Andy's cell phone, you will regret it like regretting is going out of style.
This concludes the Andy's Cell Phone FAQ. Do not call Andy's cell phone. Fool.
Version 1.2
Revised October 14, 2005
It is time, once more, to review our office's policy regarding when it is appropriate to call Andy's cell phone. Andy's cell phone is his personal property and is not an asset of the company. Andy pays for his cell phone coverage out of his own pocket, and deeply resents having to expend minutes every time one of you pinheads has an idiotic idea and can't wait to share it with him. Hence, here is the revised list of Frequently Asked Questions regarding calling Andy's cell phone.
Q: May I call Andy's cell phone?
A: No. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: It can't be that simple. When can I call Andy's cell phone?
A: You may never, ever call Andy's cell phone.
Q: If I'm not supposed to call Andy's cell phone, why did he give out his number?
A: Long ago, somebody convinced Andy that there was an emergency and they needed to be able to reach him. In a moment of weakness, Andy gave out his number. Andy curses that day. From his grave he will curse it eternally.
Q: Can somebody other than me call Andy's cell phone?
A: Yes. Personal friends and family may call Andy's cell phone.
Q: Well, I'm a friend! remember how I made Andy a burger at the company cookout?
A: Thank you for a delicious burger, friend. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: Can I call Andy's cell phone if there is a life-threatening emergency?
A: Whose life is being threatened?
Q: Anybody's?
A: No. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: What if Andy's life is in danger?
A: Andy thrives on danger. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: What if a profitable business opportunity will be lost if I do not call Andy's cell phone?
A: No amount of money is worth what will happen to you if you call Andy's cell phone.
Q: Can Andy call me on his cell phone?
A: Yes, Andy enjoys operating his cell phone for business use on a dial-out basis only.
Q: Isn't that a bit unfair?
A: Andy mocks your curious alien logic. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: What if I feel Andy would really want me to call him?
A: That would require a serious head injury, so no. Do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: What if I have been ordered to call Andy's cell phone?
A: Ask yourself who you're more afraid of. Then, do not call Andy's cell phone.
Q: What if...?
A: No. Stop it. Shut up. You're pissing me off. There is no conceivable scenario that should involve you, dumbass, picking up the handset and calling Andy's cell phone. Only bad, terrifying, heinous things can result from such ill-advised rashness. There will be fire, and mass hallucinations, and birds will fly backwards, and garments will be rent. A million years from now Andy will be a brain in a jar, and his cell phone will be in a museum, and your descendants will not be allowed to call it. It's nothing personal, it's just that you suck, and if you call Andy's cell phone, you will regret it like regretting is going out of style.
This concludes the Andy's Cell Phone FAQ. Do not call Andy's cell phone. Fool.
