RUMSFELD WARNS IRAQ LEADERS: "DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO"

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld delivered a terse warning to Iraq's new leaders on Tuesday, urging them to avoid pulling the same kind of crap that his administration has routinely put over on the American people.

"It's important that the new government be attentive to the competence of the people in the ministries and that they avoid unnecessary turbulence," Rumsfeld told reporters on his plane before arriving on his ninth visit to Iraq since the invasion. "Not like us. We've completely hosed the 'unnecessary turbulence' angle. And let's not get started on competence -- JEE-zus!" The Secretary shook his head sadly.

"I also don't want you to start lying to your people, or profiteering off their misery," Rumsfeld continued. "We've been doing that for five years, and it hasn't worked out so well."

Rumsfeld shook his finger remonstratively in Iraq's general direction. "I'm responsible for you until you're an adult," he warned, "and I don't want you making the same mistakes I've made. You've got your whole future before you. Don't blow it."

Rumsfeld then confiscated Iraq's cigarettes and sent the nation to its room.