May. 16th, 2011

REUTERS – Jim Phelps, Chief of the shadowy organization known as the IMF, or Impossible Missions Force, escaped from the custody of the City of New York Department of Corrections Monday. He was being held without bail on charges of sexual assault.

Phelps was arrested over the weekend after being accused of assaulting a maid in the luxury Sofitel Hotel. The Sofitel is owned and operated by the loose organization referred to by the Federal Bureau of Investigation as The Syndicate. The Syndicate is a business conglomerate and controls a variety of business interests along the Eastern seaboard, but law enforcement authorities claim the associate is a front for organized crime.

"Jim Phelps has been a thorn in our side for a coon's age," snarled 'Bix' Bixley, number one man in the Syndicate. "So sad that his dark side would be revealed in one of our beautiful hotels. Here's hoping he goes up the river for a long, long time." Phelps was arrested based on the testimony of a number of the Sofitel Hotel's employees. The presence or absence of physical evidence was not known at the time of this reporting.

The exact method used by Phelps to escape is not known, but it is believed that he had help from the outside. An African-American elevator technician arrived earlier in the day to perform repairs on the service lifts; his paperwork appeared in order, but the City of New York can find no record of a work authorization being filled out. An examination of the elevators after the escape revealed that wiring linking call buttons to specific floors had been modified; an investigation is ongoing.

Shortly after lunch Phelps complained of chest pains and was admitted to the Department of Corrections jail infirmary. A man arrived claiming to be Doctor Fitz, the resident on call at Mount Sinai Hospital; although witnesses have positively linked this man with a photograph of Fitz, Fitz was located on vacation in Barbados where he has been since last Tuesday. The false Doctor Fitz arrived in the company of an attractive nurse.

After investigating Phelps behind an infirmary privacy curtain, the doctor impostor insisted that Phelps be brought to Mount Sinai for further imaging. A heavy gurney was wheeled out of the infirmary with only Phelps' head visible under a heavy sheet. While the nurse distracted security, the doctor rolled the gurney into the service elevator for transport to the ground floor loading dock. The elevator did not arrive at the ground floor, and a thorough search of the hospital revealed that Phelps and his accomplices had disappeared. On the basement level authorities located only an immensely strong hospital worker carrying several large containers to the incinerator; he had no comment. A plastic head made to look like Phelps was found in a nearby mailbox.

Upon hearing of Phelps' escape, Bix Bixley had no comment. The Sofitel Hotel is closed until further notice.

The Secretary has disavowed all knowledge of this story.

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