May. 4th, 2011

1a. Obama chose not to release photos of Osama bin Laden because they would have revealed the delicate microelectronics inside the master terrorist's head. All along he was a killer robot from the future, sent back from a hostile timeline to guide us into Armageddon.

1b. Obama chose not to release photos of Osama bin Laden because the al-Qaeda chief held, gripped in his teeth, a birth certificate showing that our president was actually born in Yemen.

2. The identity of the individual who killed Osama bin Laden cannot be revealed, because it was actually Saddam Hussein. Team Six's big secret is that they fake the deaths or disapperances of bad guys, brainwash them and reprogram them as silent superhuman killers. They're working on Mubarak now, and they've reserved a locker for Khadafi. Also, they didn't so much kill bin Laden as forcibly recruit him.

3. The body of Osama bin Laden was not buried at sea, but brought back to America and interred at Arlington National Cemetary with honors. Agent Pete 'Beard' Dobbs was one of America's most successful deep-cover operatives, but he went native and lost his mind. At long last our favorite son has come home.

4. The intensity of the expression of President Obama, as seen in the White House War Room photos, is owing to him exercising his formidable psychic talents. No Navy SEALs entered that compound; our President exploded Osama bin Laden's skull with the power of his mind alone.

5a. The Twin Towers were not so much destroyed as stolen. That whole business with the planes and the piles of rubble was an elaborate ruse to mask the fact that both towers were nicked right out from under our collective noses. A careful examination of the newer skyscrapers in Dubai reveals suspiciously familiar outlines hidden under the new facades, yielding money in the pockets of bin Laden's family construction company. The secret of how the towers were abducted has died with its architect.

5b. Osama bin Laden died in the Twin Towers, having piloted the second jet himself. The images we have seen of him in the past 9+ years have been his ghost, haunting America and gloating over his accomplishments. The strike team in Pakistan raided the compound and actually recovered Osama bin Laden's soul object, destroying it and thereby permanently exorcising the evil spirit of the terrorist as well.

6. America never found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq because Osama bin Laden removed them all personally, squirreling away barrels full of hazardous chemicals and radioactive materials in his faraway bunker. Commandos raiding the compound were forced to eschew weapons in favor of hand-to-hand combat, for fear of making much of central Pakistan uninhabitable.

7. America did not contact the Pakistani government before conducting the raid because the raid did not occur in Pakistan. Instead, Osama bin Laden was found hiding in the heartland of America, to our government's considerable embarrassment. Once bin Laden was killed, flights of helicopters picked up the entire compound, buildings and gardens and all, and airlifted it into Pakistan. One of the helicopters was unfortunately damaged during this operation.

8. Osama bin Laden was not armed, and neither were his assassins. To avoid the risk of identification in the event of catastrophe, and to preserve plausible deniability, Team Six was dropped into the compound buck naked. Osama bin Laden was killed with a plastic fork that was snatched from the kitchen on the way in. The naked melee that took down America's Most Wanted fugitive from justice was both dramatic and dead sexy.



September 2012

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