Apr. 20th, 2011


He came in through the window of the room I had crashed in, grabbing the edges of the window frame with both hands and carrying a Ziploc baggie in his mouth. The baggie was full of pills. He threw one leg over the sill and half-rolled, half-fell into the dark of the motel room. Immediately he was on his feet, his eyes gleaming in the moonlight. He had on his crazy eyes. He spat the baggie into his hand.

"It's time, Twist," said Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas and conservative Republican candidate for POTUS in 2012. I propped myself up on one elbow.

"Time for what?" I said blearily. "I was having an incredible dream. The Hoover Dam was made out of white lightning, man."

Mike stared at me. He made a clicking noise with his mouth. "Was it kind of gauzy around the edges?" he asked.

"Yeah, exactly," I said. "Like lightning shot through cotton fucking candy, holding back the waters of America. What's in the bag?"

"I've had that same dream. How ass-fucked is that?" For a conservative Christian, Mike Huckabee sure can swear. "This bag? I'm not really sure. Not five minutes ago I bought the whole she-bang from an Indian in a Laundromat. There's lots of different stuff in here."

My mouth suddenly felt all dry. "My dream's gone, Mike," I complained, "and I'm starting to crash."

Mike shook the baggie. "I'll split 'em with you," he said. "That's, oh, about twenty pills per person. We'll take 'em here in the dark where we can't see what we're getting. It'll be like Russian Roulette, only with no Russians, the gun's fully automatic, and the bullets are made out of KRAZY AKSHUN TIME."

We did it. I admit it, I'm a crazy motherfucker, but you don't know the full story on Mike Huckabee. That guy is an animal. I'm just a freelance journalist, but I hope my sad-sack reporting can bring his special brand of gonzo politics to the White House.

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September 2012

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