Feb. 13th, 2011

THE SWALLOWS OF CAPISTRANO

The swallows winter in Argentina, but tales tell of their return to the Mission San Juan Capistrano to build their mud-daub nests in the old church ruins. Each swallow couple creates a single capsule of sticks and mud beneath the eaves of the roof, allowing the eggs to hatch in relative security. The faithful return of the swallows has been captured in story and song.

Recently the swallows have not returned, and the mission caretakers have cut down the remains of the old mud nests. In the heart of each one was discovered the remains of a severed human finger.

EMPEROR PENGUINS

It is said that the emperor penguin mates for life. They nest and lay eggs deep in the Antarctic heartland. Then, when the winter comes, the female returns to the water to feed, but the male remains behind to incubate the egg.

In the endless dark of winter night, the males huddle together and sodomize each other to stay warm. Eventually, however, the sun returns and the night lifts, and the females return to rejoin their families. The male then kills his wife and feeds her fish-plump carcass to its chick, guaranteeing that its mated-for-life promise remains a modest burden.

THE TREVI FOUNTAIN

The original site of the Trevi Fountain dates back ancient Rome, but now it is the most famous baroque fountain in the world. Legend has is that if you throw a coin into the fountain, you are guaranteed a return to Rome.

The tradition dates back to Emperor Nero, who dictated that visitors to Rome who throw a coin into the fountain will be spared an execution of being pulled in two by wild bulls, and therefore will be capable of returning. Every night the coins were gathered to fund Nero’s purchases of new slaves to slake his carnal lusts.

THE EIFFEL TOWER

The Eiffel Tower is an iron lattice tower originally built for the opening of the 1889 Exposition Universelle. It is one of the most recognizable structures in the world.

For the Exposition’s opening ceremonies, organizers planned to drop an enormous 30 meter ‘baby’ made of silk on gold and iron frameworks. The baby would be slowly lowered from the center platform; since the spread legs of the tower looked like a woman squatting, the baby would be seen to be ‘born’ and would then come to life via puppetry. Unfortunately the wires became snarled and the baby was effectively stillborn.

THE TAJ MAHAL

The Taj Mahal is a mausoleum in India. It was commissioned by Emperor Shah Jahan upon the death of his third wife; his extreme grief caused him to create the most enduring expression of love the world has ever known.

Shah Jahan went on to have eight other wives. He would bed them on the grounds of the Taj Mahal, including in the gardens, within the minarets, and even atop the sarcophagus of Mumtaz Mahal, the wife who had died in childbirth. “OH YEAH!” he would shout after orgasm, his cries echoing off the dome. “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!”

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