Feb. 1st, 2011

February is Blue History Month! What better month than our unaccountably shortest month for a celebration of all things blue and Dromaean-American! Our Dromaean contribution to America’s history is rich and important, where by ‘important’ we mean ‘not something you care to think about’, and by ‘rich’ we mean ‘under-taught in public schools’. Everybody could use a brief reminder of the history of blue people in America:

2056: Star HRG-780 is charted, named ‘Dromaea’.

2059: Planetary Survey Service makes contact with Dromaeans, who are assessed as having an amazing 9.4 ranking on the Human-Exomorph Sexual Compatibility Scale, owing to the fact that they look like the bottom half of a human being of either gender.

2064: Claiming the average Dromaean intellect falls below the baseline number for sapience, Rabbithole Ltd commoditizes Dromaeans and begins mass export.

2064-2410: The Diaspora Years. Commoditized Dromaeans become an integral part of human culture as servitors, playthings and menial labor. Also Called: The Golden Years.

2216: Frezdan ob Zimmis purchases self, becomes first self-owned Dromaean. Becomes a minor celebrity and curiosity.

2218: Frezdan ob Zimmis loses self in bankruptcy proceedings.

2254: The Blue Rebellion. No records or facts regarding this event persist in the modern day.

2391: Trans-Korea frees all persons of Dromaean origin within their borders; global armies mobilize. Also Called: The Spoilsport Incident.

2409: World War IX, aka ‘The Really Seriously Big One’. Trans-Korean alliance with Australo-Ghana defeats America and Congolia. Also Called: The War of Asiato-Oceano-Ivorian Aggression.

2410: By Imperial decree, all Commoditized Dromaeans enter the Public Domain. Americans celebrate this as ‘Blue Day’, where by ‘celebrate’ we mean ‘continue to work unless you’re with the government or a bank’.

2410-2499: Systematic abuse of Dromaean-Americans by Terran-Americans, including exclusion from government at all levels, prejudicial treatment and even lynchings. Also Called: The Blue Screen of Death.

2459: Formal adoption of the ‘Separate but Similar’ doctrine, in which blues are guaranteed a permanent underclass status.

2461: Seppepe up Yornl becomes first Dromaean-American to play in professional Foosball league. American love for foosball leads to a thaw in the azure barrier.

2471: Krinki na Bhyanga, spiritual leader of Blue Skies movement for species equality, assassinated in his mudbath in Provo, Utah. Eventually one street will be renamed Krinki Street in every major American municipality, usually a grimy and industrial street near the spaceport.

2480: Plurbl go Smith elected to Congress.

2489: Separate but Similar doctrine scrapped. Schools integrate, public places desegregate owing to Blues vs. Board of Education decision.

2500: Owing to Great White Plague in 2323, archaic concept of Black History Month scrapped and replaced with BLUE HISTORY MONTH!

February is a great month to be blue. We’re not just a pair of buttocks anymore, we’re Americans. We pursue the good life. We hope that someday one of us will be King. We drive our kids to school, and write letters with our minds, and vacation in Antarctica just like the rest of you. We are Dromaean-Americans, and February is our month!

When you see a blue co-worker or, for the less well-to-do, neighbor, pat him or her on the ass and say: Hey! I thought about your history today! And then we can say back: cool, I get to think about your history the rest of the time! So that’s all cool! Not to mention separate! And similar.

Enjoy your February, non-blues. It’s not just our history, it’s yours too.

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